Front Porch: A pet by a simple name is just not as commanding

Dog owners: Their name is Buddy.

Cat owners: Their name is Cool Ranch Dorito.

When my son posted the above meme on Facebook, it reminded me of the Great Middle Name for Cats Fracas of 2017.

Readers may recall how traumatized I was when I discovered my friend Sarah did not give her cats middle names. The cat in question was a boy named Rose, which I felt was injurious to his dignity. I rechristened him Rose Henry. Thus far, Sarah’s husband has resisted my campaign, but the cat formerly known as Rose will always be Rose Henry to me.

Their other cats and dogs don’t have middle names either, but honestly, there’s only so much I can do.

I shared the dog owner vs. cat owner meme on social media and asked friends to share their pets’ names and how the monikers were chosen.

The resulting feedback does seem to back the premise that folks get a bit more creative when naming felines than they do with canines.

For example, Craig Heimbigner had a cat named Opium, which proved problematic.

“Can’t yell, ‘Opium!’ on the porch, so he became just O,” Heimbigner said. “Then the neighbor asked us one day how Hero was doing. Hero?”

Then it dawned on him. The neighbor heard him calling, “Here O! Here O!”

A similar confusion happened when Susi Rhoads had a cat named Dog. Her neighbors were flummoxed when she’d yell, “Here Dog!” and a cat bounded into view.

I certainly hope Shaun O’l Higgins’ cats were indoor kitties because over the years, he’s had Rumfuddle, Terpsichore, Princess Atalanta, Ebenezer, Piowacket, Hermit, Aletis, Hieronymous, Tricarrotops and Iphigenia. Those would be quite a mouthful if hollered from the back door.

Sometimes location plays a role in naming pets.

My friend Jodi Lehman had a cat named Bogie. Her husband rescued him at Esmeralda Golf Course when our husbands were golfing together.

Pia Hallenberg and her boyfriend were having lunch at the Otis Café in Oregon when they decided if they got a cat, his name would be Otis.

“When our cat picked me – as cats do – I’d already fallen in love with her before I realized she was female,” said Pia. “What to do?”

The answer was simple. In Danish, Pia’s first language, “mis” means kitty, so she became Miss Otis.

Leslie Woodfill’s new kitty is super affectionate, so she named her Küsse (kisses in German).

A pet’s appearance can lend itself to a name. My sister’s cat Leonid Davidovich, aka Leo, is part Russian Blue.

“We knew he needed a Russian name,” she said.

But the cat belongs to her husband – hence Davidovich meaning son of David,

Sandy Tarbox has a dachshund with a blue eye and named him Frank, as in Old Blue Eyes, Frank Sinatra. She said she’s embarrassed that she didn’t catch the other obvious connection — frank, frankfurter, wiener dog, etc.

My friend Annie Dudley named her Corgi, Gertie after her grandmother. Annie’s not Gertie’s.

Jodi Thompson wins for the longest pet name. She had a cat christened Isadora Mikasa Ackerman Thompson, aka Dora the Explorer (she was curious).

She also had cats named Franklin Ginsburg (his sister was Ruth) and Dr. John Hamish Watson of Sherlock Holmes fame.

Speaking of Sherlock, Jay Baldwin named his dog Adler, after Irene Adler.

“The only criminal to have ever outsmarted Sherlock Holmes, a woman, of course,” he said.

Nancy Taylor has owned Labradors named Nutmeg, Squirt and Hottie. I didn’t ask what happened when she hollered, “Here Hottie!” from her porch.

Jeanie Rice Buchanan took two cats with her when she went to college. Her dad had named them Precious Horace Dee (the only PhD in the family) and Sir Oddleigh Waffled, after he made twice-waffled waffles.

For every fanciful name, however, there’s a prosaic one. Nina Culver’s daughter has a completely white cat. His name is Snowball.

“We have no imagination,” Culver said.

I could write more, but my cats Thor Heyerdahl Hval and Sir Walter Scott are demanding dinner. With important names like that, it doesn’t do to keep them waiting.

Cindy Hval can be reached at dchval@juno.com. Hval is the author of “War Bonds: Love Stories from the Greatest Generation” (Casemate Publishers, 2015) available at Auntie’s Bookstore and bookstores nationwide.