Dear Kiantha: Caring for your children in adulthood is much like teaching them to ride a bike

Dear Kiantha,

My daughter and her fiancé have a very toxic relationship. I shared with family members that I do not support their union and it got back to my daughter who is now not speaking to me. Should I have kept my thoughts to myself although I sense danger ahead?

Dear Friend,

There is no circumstance in which you should not alert your child to potential danger, period. However, you will want to make sure that you are sharing the alert with the person to whom it applies. In this case, the direct communication would have been to your daughter and not other family members.

It is likely that your daughter was not able to see that your comments to family were out of concern. To your daughter’s way of thinking, she may feel your comments were coming from a place of judgment and disapproval (which only pushes her closer to her fiancé).

If you have not tried speaking to her directly, consider doing so. As our adult children find their way, it can be difficult for us as parents to understand that they will make decisions we do not condone, and we have to prepare ourselves to be there for them as they learn and find their way.

Take a moment to remember teaching your child to ride a bike. I recall the nervousness I felt when I took my hands off of the bike knowing my child may fall and hurt himself. While I wanted to hold on to the bike to prevent the fall, I knew I had to take my hands off so that he could master riding the bike freely.

Of course he fell, bruised his knees and even cried, but together we patched up the scrapes and he got back on the bike to try it again. Not soon after, he was riding the bike with a belief in himself and his abilities.

The same will happen with your daughter. This may be another moment for her to learn that you will be there as a loving and caring parent no matter what to help her when and if she falls as she finds her way in love and life.

My advice: Let go of the bike and stay close by. Make sure she knows that you and her are on the same team always and that you want only the best for her – and that includes her well-being in all situations. This is all part and parcel to parenting adult children.

Soul to soul,

Kiantha