Dear Kiantha: It’s not too late for mother to heal relationship with daughter

Dear Kiantha,

With age, my health is slowly declining, and the time has come for me to go into a senior living facility.

My only daughter owns a coffee shop and is doing well for herself and her small family. I would love to spend the next few years with my daughter and her family, but I am afraid to ask her if she would be open to me living with her. I don’t know if that is something she would be comfortable with, seeing as I wasn’t the best mother.

I hold deep in my heart a hope that we still have time to grow closer and reconcile our relationship before my death; I don’t know that she feels the same. Most of the time I feel like she tolerates me and may be more comfortable with distance between us.

Dear Friend,

Parenting is one of the hardest and most nuanced experiences of our lifetime. Even with the best intentions, we can be sure that there will be parts of parenting that we did not get right. All of us parents have things we wished we could do over – and many of us can identify an area of parenting that we failed at miserably.

The good news is that few mothers are the kind of mothers that Hallmark cards speak of. Motherhood is messy and often complicated by our own experiences and trauma. Your desire to repair your relationship with your daughter is likely critical to her success as a mother. I hope for you that she might be open to building upon your current relationship.

The not-so-good news is that the repair will have to happen on her terms and within her boundaries. That may mean that living with her and her family is not be a viable option.

Have a heart-to-heart conversation with your daughter. Be vulnerable with her and let her know that you desire to repair any harm your parenting may have caused her. Let her know your intention around developing a closer relationship with her and her family. Admit to her the areas in which you failed her and be open to mothering her in this moment with love and compassion for her experiences as your daughter.

Even if things don’t play out the way you would like them as far as living arrangements, as long as you are alive you still have an opportunity to deepen your relationship and heal any wounds.

Soul to soul,

Kiantha

Dear Kiantha can be read Fridays in The Spokesman-Review. To submit your questions, please email DearKiantha@gmail.com.