Nightmare at 20,000 feet: Navigating the not-so-friendly holiday skies

Delayed. Canceled. Overbooked. Snowed in.

It’s the same story each year. Safely tucked in cozy homes, we shake our heads at viral videos of frazzled travelers in jam-packed airports … and then we fly off on our own excursions. The federal government shutdown might have ended, but those holiday airline headaches and hassles have just begun.

My own nightmare was a family vacation which had us connecting onto the last flight of the evening from Seattle to Spokane just a day before Santa’s arrival. Imprisoned in a plane on the Sea-Tac tarmac due to a mishap, that comfy layover I had booked between flights quickly flew away. Our frantic sprint through airport concourses cost us a suitcase wheel. That arrival at the boarding gate was met with icy glares from a sleigh full of standby passengers who awaited those coveted seats.

Fly the friendly skies … yeah, right.

This time of the year it’s every airborne fruitcake for herself. Odds are you’ll be buckling up to old Scrooge’s way of thinking long before the flight attendants pass out those famine-sized rations of pretzels.

SAY ‘CHEESE’ AND SPREAD ‘EM:

Airline security is essential, but standing inside a cylinder with arms stretched overhead like an inmate doing jumping jacks does not elicit holly jolly vibes. Ditto for that ”optional” TSA facial recognition mug shot. Might as well smile and suck it up. You wouldn’t want to end up on that naughty list. At least you don’t have to remove those “Merry Christmas Ya Filthy Animal” slippers.

SKY HIGH STICKER SHOCK:

Forgot the Moose Munch or that “Polar Express” book? With time to kill and fidgety kids in tow, you might be tempted to hit the airport gift shop. Money will melt from your wallet faster than an igloo in Hawaii. Don’t even think about filling little Karen’s “Frosty the Snowman” tumbler at that airport drinking fountain. Nasty! Nasty! Nasty!

LIFT & SLING, ROUND 1:

Steering clunky luggage and holiday extras (like that “A Christmas Story” leg lamp you snagged for Uncle Joe at a garage sale) down skinny airplane aisles is an exhaustive ordeal. Years ago, a sugary smile might have earned my own suitcase a free hoist into those overhead bins from a hunky male ornament. These days, I pack lighter.

NATURE CALLS:

It could have been the eggnog. Or, perhaps that raw salmon Mistletoe Roll you gobbled up at the holiday get-together last night is rearing its fishy head. As that plane taxis to runway, panic sets in. If the flight attendants refuse to let you use the lavatory, tell them they might need to begin preparations for a water evacuation.

MIDDLE SEAT MOTORMOUTH:

Eyes meet. Contact is made. Chatty shower curtain ring salesman Del Griffith has arrived. Bah, humbug! By the time you reach cruising altitude, that emergency exit will look mighty appealing. Misplaced those AirPods? Bummer. This would be a great time to dig into that seat-back pouch and read a barf bag or study the layout of a Boeing 737. And you thought a screaming baby or monster on the airplane wing was your worst nightmare at 20,000 feet.

THE MERRY RUMMAGER:

This festive jet-setter adorned in a “Jingle Cats” sweater and flashing lightbulb necklace is constantly reaching down to retrieve ribbon candy, gingerbread-scented hand sanitizer and other seasonal goodies from her stocking on the floor. Especially dangerous in the middle seat where those arms are free to flail in both directions.

THE SPIRITED NUTCRACKER:

Sporting a Santa hat, this tipsy elf hasn’t stopped partying since he left home. His lame attempts to deliver a touching rendition of “White Christmas” are more obnoxious than holiday carols performed by Alvin and the Chipmunks.

THE BOOKWORM:

Leaves that blasted reading light on shining brighter than Rudolph’s nose from beginning to end of flight.

That reindeer exodus awaits …

LINE CUTTERS:

As hangry passengers multitask in frenzy juggling totes and texting Lyft drivers, bad Santas from back rows could try to squeeze ahead of you in that airplane aisle. Even sweet little Cindy Lou Who might be tempted to gift these misfit cheaters with an extended foot.

LIFT & SLING, ROUND 2:

Retrieving suitcases from overhead bins requires the strength of a weightlifter and the precision of a surgeon. Flight attendants always warn us items shift during air travel. What they don’t tell us is that the yuletide yahoo seated next door is destined to clobber you with one of them.

At this point, even Buddy the Elf would be ready to ditch that bogus holiday cheer in favor of a resting Grinch face. Let’s hope Santa runs out of coal before he reaches your home.

Cynthia Reugh can be reached at cynthia13048@gmail.com.