A friend’s 12-year-old daughter recently packed his lunch for him.
Here’s what she included: a turkey sandwich, banana, cherries, canned pears, peanuts, pecans, milk, a beer and a whole lime — presumably to go with the beer.
I happen to know my friend’s employer doesn’t approve of drinking beer on the job. But you can’t blame his daughter for trying.
“Things one should never do with a really sweaty face: “Pour fresh clumping cat litter,” wrote Karen Swanson. “The result? Instant mud pack, with an interesting baking soda scent.”
“Marketing modification: Liz Cox noticed the sign outside a house not far from her home: “Free mutant kittens.”
“Of course, this provoked all kinds of thoughts about whether the poor things had two heads or one eye or maybe three tails,” she wrote.
But a couple of days later, the sign had been changed to read: “Free multi-toed kittens.”
“The one sure way to win the respect of sailboat people is to…: “Avoid screaming ‘ohmygod’ the first time the boat heels over 20 degrees.” — Lawrence Killingsworth
“Starting the season early: An older man with a big, white beard rode his bike past Kristy Bennett’s daycare center. The kids were outside playing, so they waved. And the man waved back.
But a 4-year-old named Jackie got wide eyes and yelled “Merry Christmas!”
The jolly old bike rider called back, “And Merry Christmas to you.”
“Jennifer or Lucifer (see last Tuesday’s Slice): “I’ve met several women named Jennifer during my short lifetime,” wrote Eric Rieckers. “The list is split down the middle between naughty and nice, but they’re all very attractive. I have yet to meet an ugly girl named Jennifer.”
Then there was this.
“Of course we are all nice, smart, genuinely wonderful people who just happen to have a name that dominates the 27-35 year-old age bracket,” wrote Jennifer “not Lucifer” Lindsley.
“Modern camping: “We’re not sure which Boy Scout handbook our neighbor at a Priest Lake campground was using when he started his campfire with a blowtorch and a tank of propane,” wrote Caroline and John Baker. “But we got a good laugh out of it, and he did get a good, fast fire.”
“Slice answers (songs made unforgettable): Barb Beck and her husband-to-be danced to Bread’s “Make it With You” on the night he proposed.
Jocelyn Harader won’t forget the time she listened to Michael Jackson’s “Thriller” in her basement and a friend got up and tried to imitate the singer’s dance moves. “I almost peed my pants,” she wrote.
“Warm-up questions: Ever absent-mindedly check for the calorie count on sunscreen or some other nonfood item? Do you seriously think your dental hygienist is fooled by your lies about flossing?
“Today’s Slice question: What’s something you wish co-workers would refrain from discussing at the office?