The Slice: Marmots let their fur down in rare interview

You’ve probably heard about the legend that, on Christmas Eve, animals can talk.

Hard to believe, I know.

But did you know that Spokane marmots can talk every night in December? I recently woke up an extended family of local rodents and tape-recorded an interview.

Here is a transcript of that unlikely exchange.

Q: How’s it going?

A: What the … are you a developer? No? Well, that’s something to be thankful for. But what is it with you people around here anyway? Does everybody moving to this area have to live in a brand-new McMansion that got plopped down in the middle of wildlife habitat half an hour ago? Aren’t there any decent used houses around here?

Q: A few, I guess. But here’s something I’ve always wanted to ask you guys: What’s the difference between Washington marmots and Idaho marmots?

A: Idaho marmots tend to be Republicans. And some of them speak squirrel as a second language.

Q: How would things be different around here if marmots could vote?

A: That light rail thing? Would’ve passed.

Q: What advice would you give people who want to pet you?

A: Just make sure you’ve had your shots.

Q: Are there human behaviors that puzzle you?

A: Yes. What’s the deal with this corporate naming thing? It used to be the Opera House but now it’s the INB whatever? Are you kidding me with that? And what’s with this “360 coverage” thing on Q6 news? Enough already.

Q: Do you follow the Zags?

A: Oh, sure. But everybody needs to remember it’s early. Check back with me in March.

Q: What’s a good marmot joke?

A: This raccoon walks into a bar and says, “I’ve been up all night.” And the bartender says … um, you know, on second thought, I don’t think I should tell that one.

Q: Do Spokane marmots suffer from Seattle envy?

A: Are you kidding? Got any idea what that kind of humidity does to your fur?

Q: What do you think about Spokane being a stop on “Antiques Roadshow” next year?

A: That’s pretty cool. Our family has a chifforobe and some Expo ‘74 stuff I’d like for them to see.

Q: What are currently the most popular baby names for marmots?

A: Well, for boys it’s Stinky and Calvin. For girls, it’s Flossie and LaDonna.

Q: Do marmots believe in Santa Claus?

A: Santa Claus is a marmot.

Q: Thanks for doing this.

A: Sure. But next time you want to come over, call first.

“Today’s Slice question: Who should be The Slice’s person of the year?