The Front Porch: Affirming words toward good parenting can make a difference

My kids accuse me of being a compulsive mother. They say not only do I parent them, but anyone under 21 who happens to be nearby.

They cite a recent incident that occurred when we were in a crowded line to buy movie tickets.

A group of teenage boys waited in front of us. One of them belched loudly.

“What do you say?” I prompted. The words bypassed my brain and were out of my mouth before I could censor myself.

“Uh … excuse me,” the 6-foot teen mumbled.

My own teens were mortified. But I couldn’t help it. It’s a mothering reflex.

They also point out the time my oldest son brought a friend home for dinner. Before I served our guest his plate, I cut his steak up for him.

“Gosh, Mom, we’re 17. We can use knives,” my son admonished.

Last week at an elementary school I found myself tying a first-grader’s shoes. He didn’t ask me to.

I even worry about the kids who walk by my house on the way to the bus stop. They look so small.

I find myself hovering at the window until the bus arrives.

That’s why I’ve been so encouraged by The Spokesman-Review’s series on child abuse prevention. For us compulsive mothers, calling the series Our Kids: Our Business makes perfect sense.

But reminding a teen to use his manners and making sure kids get on the bus safely seems a far cry from preventing child abuse. As I scanned the newspaper’s Call to Action pledge, I wondered what I could really do to make a difference.

An incident I witnessed several years ago still disturbs me. I was in a grocery store parking lot, unbuckling my youngest from his car seat when I heard a woman screeching.

Someone had cut her off in the parking lot, and she was incensed. Profanities poured from her mouth as she slammed her door shut in the space next to us.

I had two kids with me. I couldn’t cover everyone’s ears, so I said, “Ma’am, there are children here.”

She looked at me across her car, her face distorted by rage, and addressed me in language so foul I’m not even sure what most of the words meant.

Then to my horror she reached into her car and yanked a little girl out of the back seat. Still cursing, she dragged the toddler across the parking lot by the elbow.

Shaken, I stood next to my car with my two sons pressed close to me.

“That lady’s really mad,” my 5-year-old said. So, we had a little talk right there about what to do with our “mad.”

I hoped it was an isolated incident. Maybe that mom just had a really bad day.

Parking lots can provoke anyone, but her rage seemed so disproportionate, and her child so vulnerable.

In a recent conversation with noted child advocate Mary Ann Murphy, I asked her what part an average mom like me could play in the fight against child abuse.

Her answer surprised me. Murphy, executive director of Partners with Family and Children: Spokane, said though it wouldn’t have helped in my parking lot confrontation, offering a kind word to a parent involved in a stressful situation can be very helpful.

She said the neighborhood grocery store; kids’ sporting events and local parks are great places to offer support to other parents.

“Catch a parent doing a good job with their kids, and offer affirmation,” she said. “So many times we’re so judgmental of others’ parenting skills.”

Gulp. That remark hit close to home.

How many times have I made comments about mothers not dressing babies warmly enough, muttered about toddlers in movie theaters late at night, and pointedly avoided grocery store aisles when I could hear a kid having a major tantrum?

But a kind word can make a difference.

My youngest son had several health problems his first year of life. I felt so overwhelmed.

I constantly second-guessed myself, worrying that I couldn’t stay on top of everything.

My son’s pediatrician must have sensed my concern, because as I left his office one morning he said, “Cindy, I’m the expert on early childhood health, but you’re the expert on Sam. You’re a good mom.”

Those words meant so much. I cried all the way to the parking lot and all the way home.

So, as I sign my call to action, I resolve to be more aware of the parents all around me who are doing a good job.

And I’m going to step out of my comfort zone and offer not advice or criticism, but affirmation and encouragement.

What are you going to do?