Doug Clark: For this band, exposure is everything

Great leaders have a knack for knowing precisely what to say in a time of crisis.

President Franklin D. Roosevelt, for example, encouraged Depression-weary Americans by saying, “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.”

John F. Kennedy continues to stir generations with his famous “Ask not what your country can do for you …”

And now it’s Ozzie Knezovich’s turn to be immortalized. The Spokane County Sheriff has echoed the sentiment of every clearheaded area resident with nine simple words that will live on and on:

“What do you have to do to get fired?”

You can say that again, Ozzie.

The sheriff uttered his remark Monday after the County Civil Service Commission reversed his firing of Joseph “Cuppa Joe” Mastel – the detective who exposed himself last June to a poor, innocent barista at an Airway Heights espresso stand.

The board’s decision, according to our news story, puts Mastel on unpaid leave until next July, when he will be forced to retire.

Slap me silly. I never thought I’d live to see a day when wagging the ol’ Waldo in a public place wouldn’t get a guy canned on the spot.

With that behavior out of the running, I can think of only a few social taboos that are still grounds for immediate dismissal. However, most of these sordid scenarios do involve farm animals.

But you know me. The more freakish the news, the more I get a song in my heart.

So on Wednesday morning I joined my bandmates Joe Brasch and Dave Cebert at Spokane’s Cue11 recording studios.

A few hours later I had finished “Barista,” a new parody tune that is based on my fanciful poetic interpretation of the bizarre Cuppa Joe caper.

The melody is a familiar one: “Maria” from that beloved timeless musical “West Side Story.”

Brasch helped in the penning of the lyrics and gets sole credit for providing the word “whipping.”

Brasch and Cebert – Cue11’s el presidente – shared in the production of this masterwork. I also want to thank Al Harrison of Spokane’s Northwest Entertainment Karaoke for providing the perfect soundtrack.

Feel free to sing along with the lyrics or write hateful letters about me to the editor. You can also listen to my new song in all its stereophonic glory by traversing the Internet to www.spokesmanreview.com.

And now let’s strike up the band!

‘Barista’

(With apologies to Leonard Bernstein and Stephen Sondheim)

Barista, barista, barista …

Barista, I’ve just flashed my steamy barista.

It only took a glance. Then I unzipped my pants.

Look, see!

Barista, that vixen she brings out the beast-a.

An impulsive little act. She seems so taken back.

With me.

Barista – no big deal. No hint of erection.

A small token of my affection.

Barista – I’m whipping it out for inspection.

- - - -

I’ve just flashed my steamy barista.

No need to make a scene. Let’s blame it on caffeine.

I’ll go.

Barista, I’m sensing that I haven’t pleased ya.

The sheriff lost his mind. He wants me doing time.

Oh, no!

Barista – the commission reversed my firing.

There’ll be a pension upon my retiring.

Barista – bureaucracy is so inspiring.

Barista, barista, barista …