Doug Clark: Here are issues you wish you could vote on

Some 2.7 million ballots for the Nov. 6 General Election have been sent to homes all across Washington.

And we all know what that means.

Yep, more junk mail to toss in the recycling bin along with the weight loss swindles and overdue bill notices.

A few dreamers, however, actually intend to vote in this lackluster off-year election.

And for them I have important news.

Due to a disastrous Wite-Out spill, five important measures were wiped clean from the ballots.

So once again, I have been asked to rescue the democratic process by including these missing items in today’s column.

So please take the following steps:

Blacken the area to the right of your desired selections.

Clip this column when finished. Place it inside the yellow security envelope with your official ballot – and mail.

Wait for hostile elections officials to show up at your door.

Now let’s get a’voting!

“Up the Wazzu Initiative:

Destroyed by Oregon last week and now festering with a winless record at the bottom of the Pac-10, Washington State University football is a blight to the gridiron.

This measure would make it a criminal offense to display any “Go Cougs” bumper stickers, WSU license plate holders and logo-festooned foam fan fingers until Coach Bill Doba is tarred, feathered and fed to Butch the Cougar.

Should WSU boosters be…

Pitied – ()

Pummeled – ()

Imprisoned in a gulag somewhere in the Palouse – ()

“First Lady Leash law:

A certain Spokane mayor’s wife has been accused of pushing a protestor outside a recent debate.

This measure is designed to help curb future overwrought outbursts of gravitational partisan spousal violence.

Should mayoral wives be…

Restrained – ()

Tranquilized – ()

Put on the cage fight circuit – ()

“Full metal jackass referendum:

It’s generally considered a bad idea for boozed-up police officers to shoot unarmed suspects in the head.

Members of the scared poo-less public are asking that bullets be taken away from the Spokane Police Department’s off-duty revelers.

Should trigger-happy SPD tipplers be…

Disarmed – ()

Dismissed – ()

Oh, so that’s what a “shot and a beer” means – ()

“Social irritant tax:

Tim Eyman, Washington’s resident gravel in the gearbox of progress, has mucked up the ballot with another one of his idiotic initiatives.

This proposal asks that Eyman be fined $200 per syllable every time he opens his self-aggrandizing yap.

Should Tim Eyman be…

Taxed – ()

Stoned – ()

Deported to Idaho – ()

“Bitter pill resolution:

The identities of individual hospitals that operate on wrong body parts, leave foreign objects inside patients and commit other horrendous mistakes are no longer being reported to the horrified public.

To level the playing field, this measure lets patients NOT report their real identities, home addresses and phone numbers to hospital billing departments.

Should hospitals be…

More forthcoming – ()

More sanitary – ()

Uh, doctor, I think I just coughed up your missing forceps – ()