Doug Clark: How does a struggling Avista exec cut corners?

Spring here in the Unwashed Empire is always such an exciting time.

The weather churns. The birdies return.

And we all get heartburn after reading the latest salary details for fat-cat executives of Avista Corp.

What timing. This year’s PCP (Power Czar Payroll) comes on the tippy-toes of Avista’s proposed rate hike for 2009.

Well, I can’t fault the Avistanians.

If I ran a power company I’d screw with the ratepayers, too.

But while crunching the numbers on Wednesday’s front page, I discovered some shocking news.

Avista executive “total compensation” is not nearly as magnanimous as it has been in the past.

For example: Compensation for the company’s former CEO Gary Ely (who retired Dec. 31) plummeted from $3,325,275 in 2006 to $2,158,633 in 2007.

Scott Morris, Ely’s replacement, made a pittance of progress, moving from $1,115,496 to $1,164,126.

But that’s a mere $48,630 to the good.

Quite frankly, when you’ve reached the Morris level in life, this is like finding coins in the couch cushions.

And poor Malyn Malquist. According to our newspaper story, the exec and chief financial officer fell from a 2006 total compensation of $1,096,256 to just $799,360 in 2007.

Now that’s just sad.

An Avista exec slipping below the million-a-year mark is like a baseball player dropping below baseball’s dreaded .200 batting average “Mendoza Line.”

This is the kiss of death for the ol’ social life.

You stop getting invitations to posh toga parties.

Duane Hagadone drops you off his Christmas card list …

Hey, I’m no Jim Cramer. But I’m guessing the lousy economy is to blame for this downturn among our utility upper crust.

These are tough times.

The housing market is in the tank. The stock market’s in a tailspin. Even Antarctica is downsizing by losing Manhattan-sized chunks of ice …

But my job isn’t just to sit at home on my couch and point out the problems.

My job is to sit at home on my couch and seriously try to exacerbate them.

And so I have prepared 10 surefire budget-cutting tips designed to help the struggling Avista executive survive in these less-than-robust times:

1. Fill private jet with regular instead of premium – annual savings: $38,000.

2. Lay off butler. Learn to dress self and wash own hands – annual savings: $45,000.

3. No more tipping at restaurants – annual savings: $3.

4. Switch from Beluga caviar to roe harvested from backyard carp pond – annual savings: $1,500.

5. Cancel zebra skin option for seats in new Bentley – annual savings: $3,500.

6. Stop buying double bags of jerky at Costco – annual savings: $5,000.

7. Fire gardener. Make lobbyists mow lawn – annual savings: $2,500.

8. Trade in 40-foot yacht for really cool kayak – annual savings: $20 million.

9. Donate collection of exotic poisonous reptiles – annual savings: $500 in live rats; $60,000 for live-in herpetologist.

10. Forgo angry sessions with newspaper publisher/editor over latest Doug Clark Avista column tomfoolery – annual savings: about 6 hours of pointless grief.