The Slice: Here’s a slice of what may lie ahead

So there’s this commercial featuring a guy who used to work in Spokane TV news.

Maybe you’ve seen it.

He pretends to be a reporter presenting a live update.

I honestly can’t recall what he’s selling. That’s because every time this commercial comes on, I find myself thinking two words: Second career.

Everyone knows the newspaper industry is navigating choppy waters. So it makes sense for me to be looking ahead.

With that in mind, I’ve been mulling some potential spin-offs of my column.

You know, situations where I pretend to be writing The Slice but I’m actually endorsing some product or service in exchange for a nice, fat fee.

Ethical? Maybe not. But what do you want me to do, go back to my last pre-newspapering job – making doughnuts in the college dining hall?

I assume these promotional spots would appear in online video form. But someone else can figure out the details. I would just be, as they say in the biz, the talent.

A few possibilities come to mind.

The scene could open with the camera closing in on me from behind as I sit typing at a personal computer. I’d do one of those cheesy spin-arounds and say, “Oh, hi!”

Then I’d get to the point.

“I was just writing about how some baby names are simply in bad taste. But something that’s never in bad taste is the mouth-gurgling fare at Bob’s Burger Basket & Bait. I’m telling you, the slaughterhouse platter at Bob’s is just a slice of heaven.” (Wink, wink, wink.)

Or how about a commercial that begins with me standing next to a guy wearing a marmot costume?

I’d say, “Got a question for you: Can you afford to not shop at Spokane Discount Dresses and Pants? All my friends in the Marmot Lodge come here when we want to look sharp but not slice too deeply into our cash reserves.” (Wink, wink.)

Then the marmot would try on a pair of Sansabelt slacks while I nod approvingly.

Or maybe I could appear in a commercial with one of my column’s recurring characters, my neighbor’s cat.

“Hi, Paul Turner here with Chloe to talk to you today about your pizza needs. I know that after a hard day of item-stacking, I want my delivery pizza to be cheap and hot. That’s why we always call Skeeters. Isn’t that right, Chloe?”

“Rahhhr.”

“You said it. Why I can taste that first slice already.” (Wink.)

Or something like that. I guess the main point here is that it’s in all our best interests for the S-R to keep sailing far into the future.

•Today’s Slice question: What’s the best thing about living in a city where you can go to wintertime weekday movie matinees?