The Slice: Find answer somewhere between hip-hop, wedgie

Welcome to another installment of “Ask the Slice.”

Today’s topic: Who should or should not wear shorts?

Q: Are you going to suggest that the only people in the Inland Northwest who should wear shorts are those who are about 21 and have attractive legs?

A: No. Looks have nothing to do with it.

Q: Well then, what does determine who should or shouldn’t?

A: One key guideline is your answer to the following: Would anything about you wearing shorts alarm the Health Department?

Q: Should shorts be worn at work? Spokane is pretty casual, after all.

A: Depends on the job. But if others do not wear shorts to the office or if those who do are the objects of ridicule, you might want to think twice.

Q: I once wore shorts to work and this smart-aleck in the next cubicle kept yelling “Great white!” and making sounds like he was being chomped by a shark. Is that nice?

A: Often, it’s best to keep your thighs to yourself.

Q: How do you know when shorts fit?

A: Properly fitting shorts should do two things: Make clear that you are not a hip-hop fan and not give you a wedgie.

Q: The people where I work say that the smell of my legs slathered in sunscreen leaves them nauseated. Would they rather I get sunburned?

A: They’d rather that you put on some pants.

Q: What do you think of wearing shorts with knee-socks?

A: Well, some see that and are tempted to ask, “What’s the point?” But it’s important to remember that certain people have vein issues and need calf-support.

Q: How short is too short?

A: If you have to ask …

Q: Where’s a good place in Spokane to see a demonstration of do’s and don’ts when it comes to wearing shorts?

A: Hoopfest.

Q: Is there a song more annoying than 1958’s “Short Shorts”?

A: Maybe “Billy Don’t Be a Hero.”

Q: Should I be concerned that my wearing shorts might offend Islamist extremists?

A: In Spokane, U.S.A.? No.

Q: Every time this one guy at work wears shorts, our whole department smells like baloney. What does that mean?

A: It means you need a stricter dress code.

Q: How will I know if I look good in shorts?

A: That’s the wrong question.

•Today’s Slice question: How ticks-savvy is your family?