The Slice: A few tips can make this a fair encounter

It’s really unfair that lying political candidates, soulless business executives, self-promoting celebrities and felon athletes get coached on how to deal with the media but regular people don’t.

So today The Slice seeks to level the playing field in a modest way.

Here is your 2011 Guide to Dealing with Reporters at the Spokane County Interstate Fair.

Memorize these half-dozen tips and you’ll be ready to be interviewed when the fair starts Friday.

1. If you sense that the reporter is looking for a colorfully bumpkinous rustic, don’t hesitate to disabuse him or her of the notion that you are a walking cliché ripe for the picking. “You know, I enjoy coming to the fair. It’s a family tradition. But I hope you don’t think that my eating deep-fried pig warts on a stick defines me.”

2. Do not grope female reporters. Do not ogle and say, “Always wondered if those were real.”

3. If the reporter yammers on for 30 seconds but fails to ask a coherent question, don’t be afraid to quote Elvis Presley’s character in “Jailhouse Rock” and say, “Lady, I don’t know what in the hell you’re talkin’ about.”

4. If you pick up a vibe of smug superiority from the reporter, feel free to turn the tables. “Say, Biff — or whatever you said your name is. Let me ask you something. Is doing hackneyed feature stories at the county fair an indication that your career is where you hoped it would be by now?”

5. Children who have raised livestock should feel free to do more than just brush the animal and smile for the camera. When the reporter starts to condescend, fire back with: “You know, I think what we should really be talking about is the horror of factory farming and the insidious depopulating of rural America.”

6. If you are wearing a too-tight sleeveless top adorned with an off-color message and you just threw up three corndogs while riding the Regurgitator, request that the reporter email you his or her questions and go clean yourself up.

Today’s Slice question: Have you ever had a job for which you were supremely ill-suited?