This day in Slice history (1996)

There ought to be a local legend about what happens when a pinecone falls from a tree and strikes you.

Maybe there already is one. But we’ve never heard of it.

So we decided to make up our own. The problem is, we couldn’t stop at just one. Please choose for yourself.

1. From that moment on, you’ll never have another sinus headache.

2. Henceforth your lawn will obey your every command.

3. Suddenly everyone will think you look fetching in snug jeans.

4. You will be able to speak and understand the language of robins.

5. You’ll have the strength of 100 squirrels.

6. People who, without invitation, stare at certain parts of your body shall temporarily be struck blind.

7. From that day forward, your Bloomsday time will appear as “41 minutes” in the newspaper listings.

8. When you decide to drive on Division, all other motorists will chant “Hail the Pine Prince/Princess” and pull over to let you by.

9. Anyone who tries to talk to you about golf will turn into a marmot that other marmots shall shun.

10. All your children will be able to do chin-ups with ease.