Doug Clark: Family connection garners a close encounter of the feline kind

COQUITLAM, B.C. – Put yourself in my size twelves.

Say a close family member just happened to manage one of the planet’s biggest divas.

You know, like Madonna.

Or J. Lo, or …

Ryan Seacrest.

You know what you’d do. You’d wangle and whine until that close family member finally relented and said …

“Alright already. You can meet her.”

Which is exactly what happened to me Saturday afternoon in a British Columbia shopping mall, not too far from Vancouver.

My son, Ben, took me into the back room of a movie set and made it possible for me to come face-to-face with that world famous feline with the ever-present frown.

Grumpy Cat.

Ben is the agent for Grumpy Cat and other Internet memes like Keyboard Cat, Success Kid, Nyan Cat…

“Meme” is the word the cyberworld has coined for things that become so wildly accepted and discussed that they actually become part of the pop culture.

And that’s where Ben comes in. Turns out he has this knack for cutting deals with corporate concerns that want to use those memes for purposes of capitalism.

Let me make it clear that Ben did not get any deal-making skills from me.

Buy high. Sell low. That pretty much sums up the way I do business.

(My friends are snickering knowingly right now.)

Grumpy Cat, whose real name is Tardar Sauce, is Ben’s biggest client.

She is fast becoming the Marilyn Monroe of cats.

So big, in fact, that Grumpy already has attached her unmistakable mug to several hundred products, including Friskies cat food and Honey Nut Cheerios.

So big, in fact, that Grumpy currently is making “Grumpy Cat’s Worst Christmas Ever,” a made-for-TV holiday movie for Lifetime.

The movie is being shot inside the Coquitlam Centre, a bustling shopping mall that has an amazing long and colorful stained glass window set in its high, wood cathedral ceiling.

I can’t discuss any of the secret movie details, but a faux Christmas village was set up in the middle of the mall and is now gone.

When I arrived, Grumpy was minutes away from filming a scene with Santa to promote the movie.

It was weird to see someone dolled up like Kris Kringle on such a scorcher of a September day, but such is the magic of moviemaking.

Despite the hectic schedule, I not only met Grumpy Cat but got to hold and cuddle her, too.

While I have some doubt about Ryan, I’m fairly certain that this would never happen if I were meeting Madonna or J. Lo.

“Don’t drop her,” said Grumpy Cat’s owner, Tabatha Bundesen, who extended her precious furball into my open hands.

As with many stars like, say, Tom Cruise, Grumpy Cat is quite small but blessed with a large and photogenic head.

Grumpy is absolutely adorable, even cuter in person than I ever expected.

The next minute turned me into a blubbering boob.

I heard myself whispering “ooh, what a sweet kitty,” and some other gibberish into Grumpy’s feather-soft ears.

Grumpy – despite my outpouring – kept on frowning.

I could almost hear her saying something like, “Another human. Who needs ’em?”

Or, “They’re not paying me enough for this.”

Imaginary exchanges like these made Grumpy a superstar.

It’s impossible to look at her scowling expression without putting comedic thoughts behind that sour puss.

The Internet is so strange.

One day there was no Grumpy Cat. Next day everyone was emailing Grumpy’s photo to friends and co-workers with dour and sarcastic captions attached.

“If Life Deals You Lemons, Throw Them At Someone.”

“Leave No Bridge Unburned.”

“Never Be Afraid to Ignore Someone.”

Those observations, by the way, are found in “The Grumpy Guide to Life.”

That’s Grumpy Cat’s second book. It made the New York Times bestseller list just like “A Grumpy Book,” the first one, did.

Told you she was big.

Oh. Here’s another killer.

“Step One: Knock.

“Step Two: Go Away.”

I didn’t find that joke in a book. It was on the door of the fancy trailer that Grumpy and her humans are using while the movie is being shot.

Some people probably think that sounds crazy. But I grew up when mutts like Rin Tin Tin and Lassie had their own TV shows. So Internet or not, nothing really ever changes.

Or as Grumpy Cat would say:

“Open Your Mind to New Ideas.

“So You Can Practice Shooting Them Down.”