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Opinion >  Column

The Slice: Reasons why some never went in the water

There’s no need for a show of hands.

But with another summer rounding third and heading home, it’s time once again to check in on Inland Northwest reality.

That is, despite the assumed universality of “Going to the lake,” a great many of our friends and neighbors never set foot in the water this summer.

You might ask why. Well, here are The Slice’s guesses. Feel free to share your own.

1. When the Wicked Witch got wet, it did not turn out well for her.

2. You don’t live near enough to nature.

3. You spent the summer engaged in a war of nerves with a rascally raccoon.

4. Were preoccupied with concern about international tensions.

5. Don’t like being splashed.

6. Awareness that there are billions of living things in the water that can be seen only under a microscope.

7. Fear of getting rammed by a rogue personal watercraft.

8. Swimmer’s itch, swimmer’s ear, swimmer’s groin, et cetera.

9. Freaked out by Uncle Ralph saying “Don’t step on any fish bait.”

10. The people who usually give you a ride to the beach are all in jail.

11. You’ve never really gotten over that time your swimsuit came off when you dove into the water.

12. Unreasonable fear of being blanched by lightning hitting the water.

13. You like the lake but never fall out of the boat.

14. Afraid that once you get out in the water somebody will start skipping rocks in your direction.

15. Spooked by campfire stories about killer sturgeon.

16. Your sense is that you look better fully clothed.

17. The only enjoyable outdoor water temperature you have encountered was in the Caribbean.

18. Once you get fixated on the thought of effluent in the water, it’s hard to get over it.

19. You don’t have a glossy magazine lifestyle.

20. Just never got around to it.

21. You go to the lake to read, watch the night sky and prepare four-star breakfasts.

22. Aren’t you supposed to not go swimming within a year of having lunch?

23. You prefer to spend your time at the lake in quiet (and dry) contemplation.

24. Woody Allen summed up your attitude about the outdoors when he said he was “Two with nature.”

25. You were under the impression it isn’t compulsory.

Today’s Slice question (fill in the blanks): I came into this summer a (). I go out a ().

Write The Slice at P. O. Box 2160, Spokane, WA 99210; call (509) 459-5470; email When Alison Duke’s six large dogs are rumbling down the deck stairs, she calls it a “dogalanche.”

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