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Opinion >  Column

The Slice: Perhaps you didn’t realize they could talk

Today, Groundhog Day, seems like the perfect occasion to interview a Spokane marmot about this rodenty occasion and other topics.

So here’s a transcript of The Slice’s interview with a local marmot named Cuthbert. As always, you won’t believe what he had to say.

The Slice: So let’s get right to it. Are marmots jealous of groundhogs?

Cuthbert: Would you be jealous of an animal that had “hog” in its name? Please.

The Slice: Should marmots have a piece of the action when it comes to predicting the weather?

Cuthbert: We rely on Tom Sherry.

The Slice: What about a deal where groundhogs predict the weather for the East and marmots issue the winter forecast for the West?

Cuthbert: You mean like the Hellmann’s/Best Foods mayo thing?

The Slice: Sort of. Yeah.

Cuthbert: No, thanks.

The Slice: I just read in the New York Times that marmots don’t really like socializing. Is that true?

Cuthbert: What we don’t like is being around a bunch of loud drunks. Have you ever been in the company of groundhogs in a social setting? Everything’s a toga party with those guys. “Woo-hoo!” Spare me.

The Slice: But getting back to today’s special designation on the calendar. Wouldn’t you like to see Spokane become the Punxsutawney of the West?

Cuthbert: Ahahahahahaha. Are you high, man? The Punxsutawney of the West! Yeah, get Visit Spokane on the phone. They’ll really go for that slogan.

The Slice: Did you see the Bill Murray movie?

Cuthbert: “Lost in Translation”?

The Slice: No. Never mind. But don’t you like the sound of Feb. 2 being Marmot Day?

Cuthbert: Every day is Marmot Day.

The Slice: Do you like being called a Rockchuck?

Cuthbert: No. That sounds like one of Jethro Bodine’s Hollywood names. You know, like Dash Riprock or Beef Jerky.

The Slice: So why did the marmot cross the road?

Cuthbert: To get away from an interviewer?

The Slice: Thanks for your time.

Cuthbert: I’m going back to bed for six weeks.

Today’s Slice question: Can you name two ways Spokane has changed for the better in the last 30 years?

Write The Slice at P.O. Box 2160, Spokane, WA 99210; call (509) 459-5470; email pault@spokesman.com. Not being able to use chopsticks doesn’t make you a bad person.

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