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Opinion >  Column

Dear Kiantha: Find your gifts during your alone time

Dear Kiantha,

I’m an average looking woman. I’ve been single my entire life. Most people don’t even notice me in a room full of people. I don’t have any deep friendships. I spend a lot of time alone and I’m afraid I may be alone for the rest of my life. At first, I thought it was because I was an introvert. I’ve now come to grips with the fact that I am actually not an introvert I’ve just never been able to fit in.

Dear Friend,

I can feel your sadness. Feeling lonely and unseen would cause any human with a beating heart to feel as if they don’t fit in. Loneliness and feeling invisible are two feelings that almost always cause us to internalize the reason. I personally have at times experienced those feelings in my own life and I can tell you more than anything else it made me question my own value to this world.

We are created to be in community with others. Having deep relationships feeds our souls and allows us to feel seen and a part of something outside of ourselves.

Relationships send us internal messaging that we are safe. The lack of intimate connections validates negative messaging we tell ourselves that then naturally causes us to withdraw from opportunities to be in community or relationship with others.

There are a few things that I would like you to consider. The first being that you have no idea what the future holds actually, none of us do. Being alone until this point only means that you’ve been alone till this point. It in no way extends to the rest of your life unless you so choose. Just as winter turns to spring and spring turns to summer, everything can change.

Secondly, you are wonderfully made and a light in this world no matter how dim your light. When you are able to realize that for yourself, others will also notice your light. Life has a way of dimming our lights as it is sometimes filled with uncertainty and sadness even so, a dim light is still a light.

A healthy level of self-esteem means that you accept that your path in life will be different than others, you are OK with that and you don’t desire for your life to be like anyone else’s because you are unique.

You may never be a person with a million friends, but that does not change that you are light and you are special. Take the alone time that, I must tell you, can be a gift and use it to pore into yourself by identifying things that bring you joy and contentment.

As your internal value increases your external light brightens and there will be nothing you desire outside of your reach. Your light will lead you to lasting relationships of all kind. This won’t happen over night but just as night turns to day, it will happen.

Soul to soul,


Dear Kiantha can be read Fridays in The Spokesman-Review. To submit a question, please email

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