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Dear Kiantha: No straight path on the journey to love


Dear Kiantha,

I am two things for sure: embarrassed that I am 40 and have never been in love, and ready to love. Because I’ve never been in love, I don’t even know what to look for.

Dear Friend,

You have absolutely nothing to be embarrassed about. There are people who have been married 40 years and have never been in love. That’s very complicated, so we will get back to that in a moment. There is no timetable on when love finds its way into our lives. For some it happens at a young age. Think of the many love stories of high school sweethearts who met in kindergarten, dated through high school, fell in love and lived happily ever after.

While that may not be the narrative for the majority of us, it happens and it is very real for some. I recently read a social media post that spoke about a couple who fell in love in their 70s on the streets of New York. Both partners had been married multiple times before, but there was something special about the love they found in each other that was unlike anything either of them had ever felt. They fell hopelessly in love with one another and vowed to spend their remaining time on earth together.

Love is tricky. It transcends itself into many forms. Love is fluid, love is not static and because this is true it is easier for me to give you suggestions on what not to look for when searching for love.

Don’t look for the pink and red. Being in love is not pink or red. Love is gray. Love does not come in hearts, nor does it always show up in the form of butterflies. While Hallmark would lead us to believe these are symbols of love, the truth is that love can feel unnerving. Being in love is a process of continually being interested in deeper learnings about yourself and the person you love. In your journey to love, focus less on the rose-like floral top notes and more on the deep rhythm your heart feels when you are together.

Being in love is not the portrait of two people walking hand in hand on a sandy beach. While that may be an activity that lovers do, being in love is walking through high waters together, holding on to each other for dear life. Making a commitment to not let go, and that is no easy feat.

Don’t expect a nicely packaged delivery. As you are on your journey to find love, know that love does not often come wrapped in the pretty package we’ve come to expect. In your 40s, you can expect that the package will likely arrive with its share of dings and bruises, but the contents on the inside are what matter. You will know it when it arrives. Get ready.

Soul to soul,


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