Tip No. 3.

When sending an email to Paul Turner urging him to commit ritual hara kiri at his earliest convenience, do not claim that you never read the column.

Plenty of people do not, in fact, read The Slice. Some of them manage to be productive citizens. But these individuals do not regularly inform Mr. Turner in great detail about why the column annoys them.

Saying that you never read it or happened by some cruel trick of fate to read it "just this once" hurts your credibility as a critic of the media.

One might ask, how did you acquire these trenchant insights about The Slice's manifold shortcomings? Did a vision come softly creeping in the night? Were you the victim of an unwelcome mind meld with a Vulcan who reads The Slice?

No, you're better off just going straight to "Drop dead!" and skipping the petulant farce.

Next: How to deal with family members who drive you crazy because they think The Slice is "OK once in a while."