The Slice

WEDNESDAY, JAN. 30, 2013, 10:30 A.M.

Fan mail from some flounder

Here's an unsigned note (on stationery adorned with flowers) that arrived today.

It is a reaction to a word in Tuesday's Slice column. There is a misspelling in the note that I have not corrected because it reminded me of an old Dan Jenkins novel.

"Paul Turner,

"First thing in the morning I don't want to read the word masterbate." (That last word is underlined.)

She or he continued...

"You are offensive -- but you probably already knew that."

It is signed "Former reader".

There's no address on the envelope. So I cannot send a reply.

But if I could, what would be the right thing to say to "Former reader"?

A) What time of day would you prefer to read the word "masturbate"? B) You sound pretty uptight. Maybe you need to figure out a way to relax. C) Other.

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The online home for Paul Turner's musings and interactions with disciples of The Slice.