The Slice: 15 reasons why readers hate lists

Every now and then, a Slice reader informs me that he or she can’t stand it when I present lists.

Why is that?

Well, I have a few theories.

15. Certain readers feel cheated when deprived of the usual stack o’ items or The Slice’s signature prose style.

14. Fear that lists will produce journalism like this: My favorite cereal name is “Oaty Bites,” by Nature’s Path.

13. Concern that compiling a list will compel me to note that it is World Breastfeeding Week.

12. Creeping suspicion that no Slice list would be complete without some crack about Spokane being a national leader in trashed couches getting dumped out by the curb with a “Free” sign.

11. Sneaking suspicion that a list is going to include a randomly quoted line of dialogue from the 1981 movie, “Stripes.”

10. “Chicks dig me because I rarely wear underwear.”

9. Certainty that a list means I’ll tell my same old Highland Games story yet again.

8. So, maybe 12 or 15 years ago, there was this demonstration of sheep herding at Riverfront Park. A couple of border collies were the stars.

Suddenly a little boy bolted toward the livestock. And one of the dogs turned and stared at the kid, freezing him in his tracks. They maintained eye contact for a couple of seconds. The lad sensed that the dog wanted him to turn around and go back. And, of course, the boy obeyed. He recognized who was in charge.

It was a sight worth seeing.

7. Fear that a Slice list is apt to include gratuitous references to fetching actresses of yesteryear, such as Lee Grant or Gloria Grahame.

6. Qualms about the likelihood that a list will dredge up the fact that Gonzaga University used to be in the Big Sky Conference.

5. Concern that a list will prevent me from mentioning that readers also miss the Flamingo restaurant, the Panda, Wolffy’s, Newland’s Café, Rax, Culpepper’s Cattle Co., Chico’s Pizza, Marie’s, the Top Hat and Rutherford’s.

4. Assumption that a list will not allow me to mention that the Travel Channel is planning to do a segment on the upcoming National Lentil Festival in Pullman.

3. Dread inspired by the notion that a list is apt to produce questions such as, “What involuntary sound do you make when you are alone and, from a distance, you see a person you find astonishingly attractive?”

2. Fear that no Slice list will be complete without asking readers to suggest wacky names for the Chronicle Building gargoyles.

1. Doubts that a list will satisfy craving for trenchant analysis of why the end of civilization began with high-powered personal watercraft.

“Today’s Slice question: Do you regard the trip to Seattle as a long drive?