The Slice: Fine way to gobble up an hour

A pleasant woman involved in raising money for a worthwhile local cause had a proposal.

She wanted to auction off a lunch with me.

“We will arrange for a restaurant to donate lunch,” she wrote. “All we would ask of you is to come and be your scintillating self.”

She said it. I didn’t.

This is the sort of thing that never fails to make my friends laugh.

“I’ve had lunch with you and, frankly, it wasn’t all that memorable.”

“So someone is going to pay for the privilege of watching you eat?”

“Doesn’t that woman read your column? Where did she come up with ‘scintillating’? Good grief.”

Anyway, I have agreed to do this a few times over the years. I’ve actually met some genuinely appealing people through these lunches, including a guy I now consider a friend.

One or two haven’t gone quite so well. But what are you gonna do? If someone wants to spend 55 minutes detailing The Spokesman-Review’s many and grievous shortcomings over salad and pasta, who am I to spoil that person’s fun?

They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. I’m inclined to agree.

But I’m bringing this up because I have a request. If you come across this auction item this summer and actually want to go for acquiring the lunch with yours truly, be sure to bid high.

It’s a good cause. And “scintillating” doesn’t come cheap.

“Slice stats: The day after I announced my intention to take part in Bike to Work Week next month, I was driving. Approaching an intersection, I encountered a turning, oncoming cyclist who is quite fortunate to be alive today. But I stopped short as he sliced in front of me and zoomed past in a hostile manner.

This was no “oops.” This was “in your face.”

I found myself thinking, not for the first time, that the unappealing behavior of a small number of people in a subculture can shape public opinion in a way the good conduct of the majority cannot.

So here is my question: What percent of local bike riders do their best to give all the rest a bad name?

I have a theory about this, but I’ll let you weigh in first.

“Speaking of numbers: You might have noticed that when a certain one of this area’s four seasons overstays its welcome, some people get cranky. Well, you know me. I want everyone to be happy. So I am not trying to be a wiseguy when I ask: What percentage of Spokane area residents really would be far more content living in the Southern California or the desert Southwest?

Perhaps, like Rick in “Casablanca,” some of our friends and neighbors were misinformed about our climate.

I realize jobs, housing costs and family considerations complicate this. But I sincerely suspect that there are 31,000 people in our area who really ought to be in San Diego.

Should we start a relocation fund?

Hey, I know. We could begin by auctioning off a lunch.

“Today’s Slice question: Is there any place where people will not clip their nails?