Doug Clark: Smile: You’re on tattletale camera

On Monday, the City Council will take an important vote on whether to turn Spokane into Spy Land.

This would happen by paying an Arizona company to operate sneaky intersection cameras set up to catch idiot drivers who run red lights.

Look. I won’t try to mess with you. Everybody knows Spokane has more red runners than a Beijing marathon.

Nobody wants to intentionally blow through a light. But many of our motorists suffer from a peculiar medical condition. The sight of a yellow light causes a driver’s right foot to involuntarily thrust forward.

Installing tattletale cameras at some of the city’s busiest intersections is no way to treat the diseased.

There’s something patently dark and un-American about the commie camera concept. This could even tarnish Spokane’s wholesome reputation.

I’m not kidding. What do you think will happen to the Lilac City’s “great place to raise a family” load of bull when the public starts referring to spy-camera locations as “red-light districts”?

Big Brother boosters claim we’ll rake in hundreds of thousands a year by installing these things.

But giving the council more blood money won’t get the potholes fixed. It’ll just blow it on something stupid like that Manito Park Duck Relocation program.

Safety is also a big issue with red-light cameras. Supposedly the photo system will reduce side-impact collisions.

Maybe. But you don’t have to be a traffic engineer to predict what else will happen:

Driver A, speeding through intersection in his Cutlass, remembers traffic light camera and slams on brakes.

Driver B, following too close, buries grill of Toyota two feet into trunk of Driver A’s Olds.

And everybody’s insurance goes up.

But skip all of the debates over money. Forget the mechanized mayhem. In the end, there is but one issue to consider:

Fairness.

Catching red-light runners with spy cameras is like fishing with hand grenades.

It’s like hitting great-grandma up for a loan.

It’s like selling tap shoes and love oils to Larry Craig.

Traffic tickets should be meted out in that time-honored, old-fashioned tradition.

The Cop vs. The Excuse.

Red-light cameras are impersonal and cold. They rob motorist malefactors of that whisper-slim chance of trying to talk his or her lying ass out of a ticket.

Example 1:

“Hello, Officer. Yes. I know I sort of ran that red light back there. But I’m really, really sorry. Here’s my driver’s license plus a crisp Ben Franklin for your favorite charity.”

Example 2:

“Yes, Officer, I know I was going over the limit. But I just stopped by the Northside Landfill and dug up a few potentially tainted steaks. I was hurrying home to get ‘em on the grill before the maggots got the best of ‘em.”

You can’t fib your way out of a Candid Camera ticket.

OK. Maybe you can drive around with stolen license plates on your car. But that’s really a lot of trouble.

With red-light cameras, most of the time a driver won’t know he’s been nailed until it’s too late.

You know me. I’m the newspaper traffic cop of truth. That’s why the City Council needs to listen when I say … STOP!

I realize that as elected officials you feel a deep obligation to gouge the people whenever possible. But don’t vote for photo red.

It’s actually photo dread.