The Slice: No time like now to be offensive

According to my calculations, it is statistically unlikely that you are reading this.

That’s because, if my figures are correct, 53.7 percent of Spokane area residents are away on vacation.

This affords me an excellent opportunity to say what I really think about an important issue without getting a lot of people’s noses out of joint.

Yes, I’ve done this before. But, chances are, you weren’t around that time either.

So here goes.

I think a lot of Inland Northwest women are turned on by guys with big trucks.

I know. I know. We’ve all heard the snickering and muttered insults about men driving humongous rigs compensating for a shortcoming. And maybe there is something to that in a few cases.

But the plain and simple truth is that many women here associate trucks with masculine capability and competence.

Women see a guy behind the wheel of a pickup and they think, “Now there’s someone who could fix appliances and who would turn around in a theater and calmly tell the gabbers behind us to shut up.”

How do I know this? Hey, I have eyes, don’t I?

The notion that women really want sensitive guys in touch with their feelings was the biggest hoax ever foisted on our society.

Women don’t want a man who talks all the time. That’s what other women are for.

No, women want equal pay for equal work and a promising relationship project. They want someone they can change into Mr. Close Enough. And a fair number of them want to start with a guy who can haul a dining-room table away from a yard sale.

OK, I’ll admit that I’m generalizing here. Not all women are exactly alike, of course.

Moreover, I am in no way implying that all Spokane area women are attracted to uncultured clods.

But that’s the thing. A lot of guys who drive big honkin’ rigs are fine fellows. A few can even make a case that it is reasonable for them to own trucks.

For the rest, a truck remains a symbol. It’s a sign that says, “I aspire to be the kind of guy you can count on to get things done.”

A lot of women like that.

Oh, sure. They also like brains, confidence and concern for the environment. Some of them like guys who belong to book groups. A few even adore guys who have decent educations, feminist leanings, soft hands and large incomes.

And driving a truck is certainly no substitute for emotional maturity, honesty and loyalty.

But around here anyway, I think women want a man who really wants to be a man.

Defining just what that means can be tricky. What isn’t nowadays?

• Today’s Slice question: How do Americans playing soccer train themselves to not use their hands?