July 3, 2009 in Features

The Slice: Drunks seem to be aligned

By The Spokesman-Review

Welcome to a holiday weekend edition of The Slice Horoscope, the only zodiac column with bonus cosmic signs.

Aries: Steer clear of drunks fooling around with fireworks.

Taurus: Steer clear of drunks fooling around with fish hooks.

Gemini: Steer clear of drunks fooling around with personal watercraft.

Cancer: Steer clear of drunks fooling around with an Aries, Taurus or Gemini.

Leo: Steer clear of drunks at your high school reunion.

Virgo: Expect happy news delivered by someone who is not drunk.

Libra: Before making a decision about skinny dipping, ask yourself “Would I do this if I wasn’t slightly drunk?”

Scorpio: Avoid eating food prepared by someone who doesn’t seem to have washed his or her hands since May or by someone who is drunk.

Sagittarius: Do not argue with an umpire who appears to be drunk.

Capricorn: Plan to take pride in the fact that none of your closest relatives at the family reunion are drunk.

Aquarius: Do not make any decisions pertaining to grizzly bears while drunk.

Pisces: Don’t celebrate Idaho’s Statehood Day today by getting drunk.

Spartacus: Do not re-enact the Battle of Gettysburg if you are drunk.

Leviticus: Don’t do anything.

Nimrod: Steer clear of drunks with firearms.

Borneo: Don’t ask a drunk to tell you if what you are wearing is too tight.

Hugo: Resist the urge to do your impression of “the Founding Fathers when they were drunk.”

Nougat: Do not get drunk and then leave a long phone message for a newspaper columnist.

Today’s Slice question: Is there a crime you would commit if you knew you could get away with it?

Write The Slice at P.O. Box 2160, Spokane, WA 99210; call (509) 459-5470; fax (509) 459-5098; e-mail pault@spokesman.com. For previous Slice columns, see www.spokesman.com/ columnists. Potato salad: Vinegary or not?

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