Welcome to a holiday weekend edition of The Slice Horoscope, the only zodiac column with bonus cosmic signs.
Aries: Steer clear of drunks fooling around with fireworks.
Taurus: Steer clear of drunks fooling around with fish hooks.
Gemini: Steer clear of drunks fooling around with personal watercraft.
Cancer: Steer clear of drunks fooling around with an Aries, Taurus or Gemini.
Leo: Steer clear of drunks at your high school reunion.
Virgo: Expect happy news delivered by someone who is not drunk.
Libra: Before making a decision about skinny dipping, ask yourself “Would I do this if I wasn’t slightly drunk?”
Scorpio: Avoid eating food prepared by someone who doesn’t seem to have washed his or her hands since May or by someone who is drunk.
Sagittarius: Do not argue with an umpire who appears to be drunk.
Capricorn: Plan to take pride in the fact that none of your closest relatives at the family reunion are drunk.
Aquarius: Do not make any decisions pertaining to grizzly bears while drunk.
Pisces: Don’t celebrate Idaho’s Statehood Day today by getting drunk.
Spartacus: Do not re-enact the Battle of Gettysburg if you are drunk.
Leviticus: Don’t do anything.
Nimrod: Steer clear of drunks with firearms.
Borneo: Don’t ask a drunk to tell you if what you are wearing is too tight.
Hugo: Resist the urge to do your impression of “the Founding Fathers when they were drunk.”
Nougat: Do not get drunk and then leave a long phone message for a newspaper columnist.
Today’s Slice question: Is there a crime you would commit if you knew you could get away with it?