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The Slice: Escape the web of false impressions

Fri., Sept. 17, 2010, midnight

If you spend a fair amount of time in the basement, the advent of the seasonal weather change probably has you asking one key question.

Are spiders going to sneak in and get me?

Maybe. But here’s a baker’s dozen of relevant observations to consider as you mull that prospect.

1. Much of what we hear about Spokane’s spider situation comes from people who don’t know what they are talking about.

2. People who make money by offering to do away with your spiders aren’t necessarily objective about the risk these arachnids pose.

3. There’s a good chance you outweigh the spider. If you don’t, well, you might actually have a problem.

4. In rare instances, a bite might leave you with super powers. But don’t try to get chomped.

5. With a paper cup and a magazine subscription card, it’s pretty easy to relocate a spider to the great outdoors.

6. Chances are, if you leave them alone they will return the favor.

7. Have you thought about the creepy crawlies spiders eat? You want those creatures to flourish?

8. You drive a car without really paying attention to the road and you think spiders pose a big danger to your health?

9. Most spiders don’t actually say “Muaaahhhhhhhh!” But a few say “C’mere, porcupine.”

10. If you didn’t see what bit you, how do you know it was a spider? What about habeas corpus?

11. I’m not saying there is no chance you could get munched or that it couldn’t be bad. It’s just that it might be better to obsess about food-handling protocols and avoiding the accidental discharge of firearms.

12. Irrational fear doesn’t make you a bad person. But neither does it mean it makes sense to react to a spider as if it were a velociraptor.

13. Try not to think of the “Spider Pig” theme from “The Simpsons.” No, don’t start humming it!

Today’s Slice question: If one in 10 people in greater Los Angeles is said to be working on a screenplay, what is one in 10 people in greater Spokane working on?

Write The Slice at P.O. Box 2160, Spokane, WA 99210; call (509) 459-5470; fax (509) 459-5098; e-mail Don’t wait to make plans for noting next week’s autumnal equinox.

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