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The Slice: When tying the knot, avoid duct tape

Mon., Dec. 17, 2012

You really haven’t observed a lively mind in action until you have watched a preschooler officiate at the marriage ceremonies of stuffed animals.

It has been a while since I was privileged to be in attendance for such nuptials. But I clearly remember seeing a toy raccoon and stuffed rabbit plight their troth with a stillness and solemnity that did credit to a certain little girl’s vision of the blessed union.

Several other odd couples soon followed in their steps and tied the knot there in that child’s impromptu wedding chapel.

These ceremonies tend to be short and sweet. The guests have hardly been seated before the bride is receiving a fuzzy kiss.

It has occurred to me, though, that kids might enjoy the event even more if they had a slightly expanded format.

So here are a few ideas about how a child could make the ceremony more substantial.

Prenup: Should be in writing, using a dark crayon.

Ushers: Traditionally, lions and tigers handle this. Orcas and elephants are another option.

Seating the attendees: Carnivores on one side, prey species on the other.

Opening remarks: The child should decide in advance if the wedding will be conducted as a religious service or as a civil ceremony.

Giving away the bride: If family history of the bride is a bit murky, a stuffed bear is often a good choice for this particular role.

Hymn or other song: The young officiant can adapt one of his or her music players to this purpose.

The charge to the bride and groom: This can be where the animals in question learn that they will now be responsible for helping to keep the kid’s room tidy, et cetera.

Pledge: The stuffed animals express their hopes, expectations and promises.

Wedding vows: “Do you, Mr. Alligator, promise to not chomp Fluffy the Bunny (or at least not very hard) for as long as you both shall have a child animating your lives?”

Exchanging of the rings: Depending on paw/hoof/fin size and shape, hoops made of ribbon might work best.

Next: When stuffed animals divorce.

Today’s Slice question: What Christmas song gets stuck in your head over and over (and you don’t mind)?

Write The Slice at P.O. Box 2160, Spokane, WA 99210; call (509) 459-5470; email There are a couple of problems with the comeback “Yeah well, if you’re so smart, how come you’re in Spokane?”

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