February 12, 2012 in City

Doug Clark: Take a stand and support local talent

By The Spokesman-Review
 

Ask any chamber of commerce official what the key to a community’s financial well-being is, and they invariably give you two words.

Shop local.

So I can’t tell you how relieved I was to learn that police busted a Golden State prostitution ring that was working right here in the River City.

This could have been a tremendous blow to our economy.

Not to mention our civic self-esteem.

I don’t know about you. But I was hotter than a jalapeño with a heat rash hearing what one of these sex brokers reportedly told the cops about her competition.

The out-of-towners were raking in the dough, she claimed, because Spokane’s ladies of the avenue were so unattractive.

How insulting can you get?

I don’t know who this Jezebel thinks she is, but it takes a lot of gall to come into a city and throw down the gauntlet like this.

(Suggestion: It would probably be wise to sterilize that gauntlet before anyone considers picking it up.)

I’ll concede that there are a few basic differences between California hookers and hookers from Spokane.

Such as …

California call girls accept all major credit cards.

Spokane sirens accept pelts from all major fur-bearing species.

California call girls wear stiletto heels to be sexy.

Spokane sirens wear Sorel boots for stability.

California call girls wear hot pants.

Spokane sirens wear sweat pants.

Far be it from me to encourage anyone into patronizing the world’s oldest profession.

Heck, I wouldn’t even encourage anyone to pursue the newspaper profession.

But there is a larger socio-geographic issue at stake here.

What’s going on, I fear, is another example of the original Occupy Movement.

You know, “Californication.”

We locals watched helplessly for years as wave after tidal wave of affluent hipsters from the Land of Schwarzenegger poured in to buy up our more affordable real estate and transform our homespun ways.

See what the California influence has done to us.

Spokane was once a sleepy burg of all-you-can-eat buffets and softball games in the parks.

Now look at us. We’re drinking Venti Peppermint Java Chip Frappuccinos, discussing Jane Eyre in book clubs and watching MacNeil/Lehrer on PBS.

Why do so many Californians come here, anyway?

It can’t be for the winters. At least half the wrecks each snow season are caused by California transplants hitting the brakes too hard and sliding down Freya.

What’s done is done, of course.

The Spokane culture has been forever changed and I have the really cool tortoiseshell sunglasses to prove it.

But we have to draw the line at tourists of negotiable virtue.

I call on Spokane Mayor David Condon to take an official stand against organized groups who come here to sell sex, cross-dress or commit acts of perversion.

Political conventions excluded, naturally.

Doug Clark is a columnist for The Spokesman-Review. He can be reached at (509) 459-5432 or by email at dougc@spokesman.com.

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