July 4, 2013 in City
Doug Clark: Test how your idea of Fourth of July fun adds up
Happy Fourth of July!
It’s the day we celebrate the signing of the Declaration of Independence by those mythical forefathers.
In honor of that, I have prepared the following 10-question quiz to represent our original colonies like Connecticut, New Jersey and Ritzville.
Circle your best answers using a Crayola, preferably in something appropriately festive like red, white or burnt umber. Then we’ll add up your scores at the end to see whether you can stay in the country or should be deported.
1. Just who were those “forefathers,” anyway?
A. Old white dudes who signed the Declaration of Independence. (3 sparklers)
B. Hey, they couldn’t help being white. (6 sparklers)
C. Maybe so. But I wish those ninnies on Fox News would shut up about them. (9 sparklers)
2. Where do you stand on illegal fireworks?
A. I am 100 percent against them. (3 sparklers)
B. I am 60 percent against them. (6 sparklers)
C. I am about 10 feet away with my fingers in my ears. (9 sparklers)
3. If you have to celebrate with illegal fireworks, make sure to always …
A. Toss them away from people. (3 sparklers)
B. Toss them away from people you like. (6 sparklers)
C. Roll down the car window before tossing. (9 sparklers)
4. It wouldn’t be the Fourth of July in Spokane without …
A. Ice cream. (3 sparklers)
B. Watermelon. (6 sparklers)
C. Tattooed thugs parading their unleashed pit bulls through Riverfront Park. (9 sparklers)
5. The annual Riverfront Park fireworks display is terrific unless you …
A. Arrive too late. (3 sparklers)
B. Sit behind a tree. (6 sparklers)
C. Hunker down next to one of those moms who thinks it’s totally OK to change her brat’s dirty diapers right UNDER YOUR NOSE! (9 sparklers)
6. Hands down, the firecrackers that deliver the best bang for the buck are …
A. Black Cats. (3 sparklers)
B. Lady Fingers. (6 sparklers)
C. Missing Fingers. (9 sparklers)
7. Nothing says Independence Day like seeing our beloved flag …
A. Displayed from poles. (3 sparklers)
B. Hanging from porches. (6 sparklers)
C. Sewn onto the leather jackets of a gang of grubby bikers. (9 sparklers)
8. The Declaration of Independence gave American citizens the freedom to …
A. Drive on the right side of the road. (3 sparklers)
B. Call England’s Prince Charles a bloody wanker. (6 sparklers)
C. Purchase mattresses and other stuff at all the Fourth of July blowout sales. (9 sparklers)
9. Celebrating the Fourth means …
A. Going to the lake. (3 sparklers)
B. Going to the golf course. (6 sparklers)
C. Going to the casino to hobnob with descendants of America’s real forefathers. (9 sparklers)
10. The stirring music that accompanies a great fireworks display is sure to include …
A. “Proud to be an American,” by Lee Greenwood. (3 sparklers)
B. “Firework,” by Katy Perry. (6 sparklers)
C. “Yank my Doodle; it’s a Dandy!” by Anthony Weiner. (9 sparklers)
So let’s see how you did.
If you scored 30ish sparklers, you are a Fourth of July dud, as boring as a pack of Thunder Bombs left out in a monsoon.
Scoring in the 60s shows that you are more whistling Pete than cherry bomb.
And if you dared to score a perfect score of 90 sparklers, well, you are definitely unsafe and insane.
Cheers to you, patriot!
Doug Clark can be reached at (509) 459-5432 or firstname.lastname@example.org.