Doug Clark: They’ll drive you to tears, fears – and gritted teeth

Based on the caravan of emails that rolled in, I apparently hotwired a nerve last week by asking readers to send me their favorite tales about Spokane’s notorious bad drivers.

“Wow, you sure do know how to up my pressure, white knuckle it and make me grit my teeth,” wrote Darlene Norton, who could have been sideswiped at a four-way stop thanks to an out-of-turn road hog.

Then there was Mary Jordan, who accused me of hitting her “hot button” with this roadway numskulls topic.

“I have been driving for 43 years and am so tired of the stupid, reckless, inconsiderate %^&^$* out there,” she wrote.

“To pick just one incident is harder than picking out a Christmas gift for my husband.”

Never fear. Santa Clark is coming to town.

Meaning that cool prizes will soon be going out to everyone named in today’s column.

As promised, these lucky ducks will receive a safe driving movie of my choosing. You know, like, “The French Connection,” “Ronin” or possibly a selection from “The Fast and the Furious” documentaries. Also included will be a CD featuring a song I wrote about this fool who smashed into my beloved ’62 Chevy wagon some years back.

Sample lyric: “Burn in hell. Burn in helllll …”

And now, here are the top three in order of appearance.

• The thing I liked about Jim Clanton’s near-death encounter is that it happened while the Spokane Valley resident was helping save the planet by riding his bicycle through a quiet residential neighborhood.

“The street is curving left and I am on the inside of the curve, just pedaling along and enjoying the day,” wrote Clanton.

Sweet serenity. What could possibly go wrong?

How about being squashed under the carbon footprint of an oncoming SUV?

The big vehicle, alas, was ignoring the curve and heading straight toward Clanton. Plus, “further examination reveals that the woman driver is not looking out the windshield but she is looking down.”

As the seconds ticked away, Clanton pumped hard for the curb “trying to find the nearest escape route.”

Then, at the last moment, Clanton said the driver looked up, saw what was about to happen and jerked her wheel to the right.

“I guess she figures watching the road every 15 seconds or so is enough,” he bemoaned.

At least the driver gave the man an apologetic wave. That’s when Clanton saw the cellphone she’d been holding.

“She was texting her way through her neighborhood,” wrote Clanton. “Damn.”

• Glenn Winkey brought up a favorite topic of mine when it comes to Spokane drivers who disappoint: the roundabout.

Many of our drivers should stick to riding the Carrousel at Riverfront Park.

Roundabouts “are about momentum, folks!!!” explained Winkey.

That’s the idea, anyway.

In real life, however, it’s a whole different story.

Take the Mill and Waikiki roundabout, said Winkey. Driver befuddlement has created traffic constipation that, during rush hour, can take as long as five minutes to get through.

Winkey, for example, found himself roundabouting behind this fearful young woman who sounds like the little kid who freezes inside a revolving door.

“It took her awhile to figure out how to enter,” wrote Winkey, “but she managed to slowly, and fearfully, enter it.”

But then “she STOPPED,” he added.

Why?

“To let the car stopped on Waikiki enter, graciously giving him the right of way.”

Aw, that’s so …

WRONG!” huffed Winkey.

I would have loved to be driving behind Winkey when this happened. I’m pretty sure I could have heard his teeth grind.

• It’s a fairly rare event when a driver gets to see one of Spokane’s dunderheads get his due.

So I found it difficult not to smile when I read Matt Slotemaker’s account of an otherwise routine eastbound cruise through the city’s downtown core.

Slotemaker was in the left lane when an older Honda Civic drove up in the middle lane and “quickly turned left in front of me onto a one-way street.”

Not good.

Even worse, however, is that Honda Dude (Slotemaker assumes the driver was a high school or early college-age male) now found himself driving the WRONG WAY on the one-way street.

Honda Dude had two choices.

Head-on collision.

Detour onto sidewalk.

He went for Plan B, said Slotemaker, who also has a confession to make.

“I admit to having hoped he would hit another vehicle, just as a life lesson about consequences,” he wrote. “But if my own experiences as a youthful driver are any indication, he’ll have plenty of those in the next few years, anyway.”

Be careful out there.