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The Slice: In seat selection, just follow your nose

Fri., July 18, 2014

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Today’s Slice question: How do you decide where to sit in a movie theater? A) We look around and determine where we could position ourselves that would be farthest from other people. B) We have long torsos and large heads, so if there are, like, two other people in the whole cinema we sit right in front of them. C) Smack dab in the middle.

D) I seek out the part of the theater with the most neutral smell. E) We sit near families with small children because they actually tend to be the most reliably well-behaved moviegoers. F) Back row. Always.

G) Down near the front so I can relive being 9 years old. H) It doesn’t matter so long as I am in a seat next to an aisle. I) Anywhere but behind or beside someone who is using a phone and apt to keep using it (thus creating a distracting glow) after the movie starts. Admittedly, that takes guesswork, because I also look at my phone before the movie.

J) We try to sit in a different area code from the others. K) I like to sit where I cannot smell another moviegoer’s bottled fragrance. L) Far from anyone eating overpriced popcorn doused with noxious petrochemical goo.

M) Far from people who appear to be wearing soiled bathing suits. N) If it is crowded, we try to sit behind children so we won’t have an obstructed view. O) Wherever the floor isn’t sticky.

P) Not in front of teenagers who have their feet propped up on the seatbacks. Q) Not behind retro women with big hair the size of tumbleweeds. R) If possible, far from sneezers and coughers.

S) Not in seats that appear to have the mange. T) Not next to people wearing tank tops that look as if they may burst at any second. U) Not next to people clipping their toenails.

V) Not at the end of a row nearest the passage to the restrooms when most of the others sitting in the row are 4-year-olds clutching 64-ounce sodas. W) Depends on the movie. X) I like to sit next to someone wearing a tuxedo or ball gown.

Y) As close as possible to an exit. Z) Other.

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