Doug Clark: Boston consultant in hotel fracas got it all wrong, and here’s why

Now that the details have emerged, it’s easy to see how things went wrong last Sunday at the Davenport Tower Safari Lounge.

That’s when a consultant hired by the Spokane Police Department to oversee its youth department got into a nasty “ho”-calling, throat-grabbing scuffle with three other bar patrons.

This fracas in a jungle room boiled down to geographic befuddlement.

Paul Lewis, a trainer with the North American Family Institute, came here from a foreign country.

Boston, namely.

Or “Bahhhst-inn,” as they say in Ben Affleck movies.

Lewis was obviously unfamiliar with Spokane’s homespun, “stuck-in-Expo ’74” ways. Not that this will help the 51-year-old any.

Given a citation for fourth-degree assault after the scrap, Lewis, according to our news coverage, is “no longer participating in the city’s (Youth and Police Initiative) program.”

He could be insulting people in Boston bars, for all I know.

Whatever. Police Chief Frank Straub can still learn a valuable lesson from this embarrassing and regrettable incident. All he needs to do is study the geographically correct remedies I came up with while swilling coffee and examining our story on the incident. Then the chief can pass these important lessons on to the next rude jerk he decides to bring out here.

So let the enlightenment begin.

Story: Lewis repeatedly called a woman a “ho” during the confrontation.

Remedy: How shameful. No respectful community member would utter such a crass word at such a fine hotel.

“Lady of negotiable virtue” is the Davenport-appropriate choice.

Story: Lewis reportedly told police and witnesses that he was a personal friend of Chief Straub and that once he talked to the chief … “it’s not going to look good for you.”

Remedy: Using Straub’s name as a threat isn’t worth the time it takes to speak the words. Any informed Spokane resident would know that the chief hasn’t been on the job long enough or done anything worthy enough to carry much weight.

Straub who?

If you insist on name-dropping you’ll be much better off using the name of Jimmy Marks’ ghost. At least that has the right fear factor.

Story: Lewis reportedly addressed the brother and boyfriend of the woman he insulted as “pimps.”

Remedy: Falsehood aside, there is NO good reason to ever stoop to such naughty nomenclature.

There is a proper Spokane greeting for every situation and it goes like this: “What high school did you go to?”

Story: Lewis’ claims that he was in tight with the Police Department caught the attention of people at the bar and lobby.

Remedy: And considering all the cop-related shootings of late, I’m sure it did.

But if you want to play Big Shot, don’t waste your time telling people how wired into the SPD you are. Say you’re so plugged into Avista and that you could have their power turned off with a single phone call.

Every local knows which bloodsuckers have the real juice in this burg.

Story: Lewis reportedly smelled of alcohol.

Remedy: Well, whataya know. He finally got one right.