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The Slice: Fourteen years later, same issues still exist

Paul Turner is taking some time off this summer. In his absence, we’re diving into the archives here at Slice Central. Today we revisit Aug. 3, 2001. New columns will resume in the coming days.

Today is this column’s ninth anniversary.

Thank you for reading The Slice.

And thanks also to those who have shared anecdotes and observations over the years. I’ve felt honored by your willingness to trust me with your stories.

Milestones such as this can be occasions for reflection. And I’ve been wondering about something.

What keeps regular Slice readers who have never submitted something from picking up the phone or typing in my email address?

What keeps them from getting interactive?

As always, I have a few theories.

1. Calling a columnist is something many people just wouldn’t do under any circumstances.

2. Shyness.

3. Fear that I am the sort of guy who would be mean or would make fun of a submission that I didn’t love.

4. Lack of desire to help me fill space some 200 times a year.

5. Concern that I would bury the submitted story beneath a dense mound of cute kid sayings and some inscrutable list of questions.

6. Vague recollection of the column having used a very similar item back around 1995.

7. Fear that I won’t honor request to keep name out of print.

8. Fear that I will print your phone number.

9. Not wanting to be bothered by people asking, “So what was the Slice guy like to deal with?”

10. Anxiety about the possibility that I will ask, “So what do you weigh?”

11. Still mad about the fact that a snapshot submitted to a pet-pictures contest in 1996 did not get used.

12. Assumption that the hundreds of names that show up in The Slice are not real people.

13. Angry about a Slice item that appeared in 1994.

14. Read it regularly, but suspect that Paul Turner is not a real person.

15. Read it regularly, but suspect that Paul Turner is mentally unbalanced.

16. Don’t like cats.

17. Don’t like little kids.

18. Fear that contributing something to The Slice would damage reputation as edgy rebel.

19. Fear that Paul Turner would just take credit for great idea.

20. Still asking self, “I don’t get it – does he like Spokane or not?”

21. Have a child with one of those names made fun of in The Slice.

22. Regard all the questions as rhetorical.

23. Have heard disturbing rumors about the page designers who choose art elements for The Slice.

24. Temporary amnesia.

25. Waiting for Slice to appear on Sundays.

There probably are lots of other reasons.

But change can happen. If you’ve never submitted anything, consider yourself invited.

And if you’d rather just sit back and watch, well, that’s fine, too.

Today’s Slice question: What would you like to see in The Slice at least once before the column’s 10th anniversary?

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