The Slice: Let’s put him on hot seat

Paul Turner is taking some time off this summer. In his absence, we dive into the archives at Slice Central. Today, we revisit June 30, 2009.

The Slice managed to track down and interview the only person in the Spokane area who doesn’t love hot weather.

You wouldn’t believe the answers.

Q: What’s wrong with you?

A: Nothing mashing the MAX COOL button can’t fix.

Q: Do you have a lake place?

A: No.

Q: So you’re a Commie?

A: No. I just don’t like high temperatures.

Q: Is that legal in Spokane?

A: Look, I get it about water recreation and playing outdoors. It’s just that I’m perfectly capable of feeling vibrantly alive without sunstroke and sweat.

Q: Ever tried wearing Hawaiian shirts?

A: That wouldn’t change my mind. Autumn’s my season.

Q: How do you hide your secret shame?

A: Oh, you know. The usual. When someone at work says it’s going to be in the 90s, I go “Woo-hoo!” And when the heat wave arrives, I spout the traditional nonsense about it being too nice out to be inside working.

Q: Have you thought about therapy?

A: I like 72 degrees. I don’t like 89 degrees. Sue me. I’m always amazed that people here don’t relocate to California or the Southwest, where they can realize their dreams of living like lizards sunning on a rock.

Q: Now, now. Don’t be bitter. I’m sure if you just explained your attitude to people, they would understand. Wouldn’t they?

A: No. They would act like those peabrains who think dissent is disloyal. In Spokane, you’re supposed to be gaga about hot weather. End of story.

Q: Who do you blame for that?

A: The media.

Today’s Slice question: Ever stop to calculate what some of your small daily expenses add up to over a year?