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Doug Clark: Scouting leaders throw a wet blanket on good, clean fun

As a once-proud yet slovenly member of the Boy Scouts of America (I made it all the way to 2nd Class before getting kicked out for inattention and screwing around), I pose a brief question for today’s BSA leaders:

When did you guys become such humorless drips?

I refer to the shocking news that broke last week regarding Scouting’s joy-killing rules on weapons of damp destruction.

Squirt guns and water balloons, namely.

According to the 2015 Boy Scouts of America National Shooting Sports Manual, a squirt gun is considered a “simulated firearm” only to be fired at nonhuman targets.

And water balloons?

No larger than the size of ping pong balls, we’re told.

Lord almighty. Any lad daring to toss mini-water balloons in my old stomping grounds would have been immediately wrestled to the ground and had “W” for Wimp tattooed with a permanent marker on his forehead.

Oh. I almost forgot.

For safety’s sake, “eye-protection must be worn” while shooting those dangerous squirt guns, states the manual.

Good gravy.

Are we talking about water guns or waterboarding?

Some of the adults running the Boy Scouts of America have obviously forgotten what it is to be young and have fun in the dry dog days of summer.

Water fights should be encouraged, not regulated like the federal government.

And don’t these yahoos know we’re in a drought? The parched earth needs all the moisture it can get.

Far be it from me to advise all you loyal Scouts out there, given my insubordinate past.

But I say it’s time to launch a wet and wild Super Soaker and water grenade revolution on the BSA headquarters.

Take no prisoners. Leave the eye-protection at home.

And don’t give up until the policies change.

Some of the best times I ever had were spent waging water warfare against my neighborhood pals and unsuspecting loved ones.

Every summer while they were growing up, my son, Ben, and daughter, Emily, would join me on a trip to a toy store where I’d let them arm themselves with whatever watery weaponry they desired.

Back home, we would then engage in long and giggly battles against each other.

Nonhuman targets only?

Not on my watch.

I enjoyed the same fun when I was their age. When I was about 12, for example, I “borrowed” my grandfather’s weed sprayer and used it to fill water balloons in a hellish skirmish with neighbor punks.

Sure. Looking back I should have washed the inch or so of plant poisons out of the thing before filling bombs to drop on my peers.

My bad.

One of my favorite weapons as a kid was this black “secret agent” water pistol that had a white dial at the end of the barrel.

One twist would change the nozzle direction 180 degrees. That way you could nail an unsuspecting victim to your right or left, while clandestinely skulking behind a couch or a wall.

But getting back to the subject …

The Internet was abuzz after Bryan Wendall, an Eagle Scout and editor of a number of Scouting publications, posted a reminder about squirt gun rules last week in his blog.

I particularly liked a comment by Allen McBroom, a self-professed “25-year vet of BSA,” who thought that a news account about water gun Scouting regs was some sort of belated April Fool’s prank.

“It wasn’t,” wrote McBroom. “Our national leadership (Brock, Gates, Tico, etc.) need to inject a dose of reality into the policy writers.”

As for the BSA’s defense, a Scouting spokesman told The Huffington Post that the entire issue was old hat.

“This is not a new guideline or regulation,” declared Deron Smith, director of communications, in an emailed statement.

“As it always has, the BSA’s Guide to Safe Scouting allows youth members to use water guns and rubber band guns while shooting at targets but not at each other.”

So basically Smith is telling us that Scouting has had a long-standing policy of treating squirt guns like Uzis?

This is no defense. It’s a confession of chronic idiocy.

Speaking of which, at least BSA President Robert Gates appears to be headed in the right direction when it comes to another controversial subject.

The “long-standing ban on participation by openly gay adults is no longer sustainable,” the Associated Press reported Gates as saying the other day in a speech in Atlanta.

Bully for Gates. It’s time Scouting dropped this archaic stand. Then maybe the BSA can recruit some brave and trustworthy gay leaders who know how to wage a proper water war.

That’d shake things up.

Doug Clark is a columnist for The Spokesman-Review. He can be reached at (509) 459-5432 or dougc@spokesman.com.

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