The Slice: Evaluating the tall tales of summer

With the Fourth of July just over the horizon, this might be a good time to settle something.

Which is the subject of more nostalgia-drenched summertime exaggeration – sunburns, drive-in movies, tomatoes, water balloons or lake adventures?

Let’s scrutinize some of the classic tall tales. Then you can decide for yourself.

“I got so sunburned one time, I was speaking in tongues.”

It could have happened.

“Once at a drive-in, where they charged by the carload, we crammed 64 people into my dad’s Ford Country Squire wagon.”

That would seem to defy the laws of physics.

“When I was a kid, tomatoes were so mind-blowingly good you could get high from eating more than two slices.”

That’s actually true.

“My brother once threw a water balloon 50 yards and it went down the front of this college girl’s sun dress.”

Nope. Not buying it.

“One time at the lake, my buddies and I built a raft and discovered the Northwest Passage.”

Unlikely.

“I got so sunburned once I actually glowed in my bed that night.”

Was that the time when you turned into a firefly?

“I knew a kid who drove away with the outdoor theater’s speaker still attached to his car window and the heavy duty speaker cable yanked the whole car door off.”

Don’t think so.

“They were so tasty they seemed illicit, we used to refer to them as premarital tomatoes.”

Sure you did.

“I once dropped a water balloon from so high up it achieved warp speed before it hit Bruce Larson on the top of his head.”

And yet he somehow survived.

“My friend was up at the lake when he got a case of swimmer’s itch so bad that he had to have a crotch transplant.”

No, he didn’t.

“I got a sunburn in 1975 so wicked I’m still experiencing flashbacks.”

Far out, man.

“Because of events at the drive-in one summer, three of my friends got married that fall in hastily arranged weddings.”

Now that might have happened.

“Tomatoes used to be so good that the state of Idaho classified them as a controlled substance.”

Almost, but not quite.

“I heard of a kid who drowned in a water-balloon bombardment.”

Right.

“The original idea for ‘Jaws’ was hatched at Priest Lake and involved a titanic trout.”

No sale.

Today’s Slice question: What’s your fireworks cautionary tale?

Write The Slice at P.O. Box 2160, Spokane, WA 99210; call (509) 459-5470; email pault@spokesman.com. Happy Canada Day Eve.