The Slice: ‘House arrest’ will free you up

Week after week, the Thursday IN Life section takes note of upcoming shows, concerts, exhibitions and, well, you name it.

And I have it on good authority that people actually attend these events. Well, most of them anyway. There was, after all, that deal with the mime at The Met.

But lost in all this discussion of things to do and places to go is an overlooked truth: A lot of people around here excel at coming up with excuses to stay home.

It’s true. Spokane enjoys the reputation in certain circles of being a place where residents are always out and about, especially at this time of year. I’ve read magazine stories about Spokane over the years that make it sound like we never stop hiking, sipping wine and otherwise reveling in our underrated cultural charms.

Fine. But I’ve got news.

That’s not the whole picture.

For more than a few local residents, a key component of the Spokane skill set is the ability to decline invitations to go out and do something.

Some people have a real talent for this. They can say “No” with such deftness and finesse that the person doing the asking goes away feeling more affirmed than rejected.

Others struggle to conjure up plausible reasons they can’t go look at art or simply aren’t free to attend a revival of “Annie Get Your Gun.”

But one thing both brands of homebody share is an insatiable need for new excuses. Because sometimes it seems like the well-meaning inviters just keep coming, like the living dead in a zombie movie.

“Mmmmmm come to the movie with me. Mmmmmm it will be fun. Or come to the car show. Mmmmmm I promise not to eat your brain.”

After you’ve played the back spasm card three or four times, you need new material.

That’s where The Slice can help.

Here are 13 excuses guaranteed to bolster any stay-at-home type’s repertoire of regrets.

1. “You know, I’m just not in the mood for sitting or standing.”

2. “I’m sorry. I’d planned to spend the evening with my snacks.”

3. “No, thanks. You’d just try to kiss me.”

4. “I don’t have anything casual enough to wear.”

5. “Mr. Comcast doesn’t like it when I go out.”

6. “I think I caught agoraphobia from a bat.”

7. “I’d love to, but I’m under house arrest.”

8. “Sounds fun. Would I need to be sober?”

9. “I’ve discovered that the only way to avoid people from work is to stay locked in my bathroom.”

10. “If I go, will I be able to use my TV remote there?”

11. “Can’t. Sorry. Gotta blog.”

12. “I think I’m coming down with a touch of Spokanthrax.”

13. “Why don’t I meet you there.”

“Today’s Slice question: What was your all-time most memorable go-round on an amusement park ride?