June 4, 2013 in Features

The Slice: Best part: No Cuba Gooding Jr.

By The Spokesman-Review
 
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Paul Turner, Spokesman-Review columnist.
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I’ve had some success this spring growing grass from seed.

But even though the portion of the yard in question is shaded, I suspect this isn’t the ultimate landscaping triumph. You just have to water it a lot.

Nevertheless, modest as I am, I’d like to see a movie made about my experience. You know, a sprawling saga based on one sodbuster’s heroic struggle to bring forth from the earth a green effusion of new life. Or something like that.

I would like to see the screenplay pay homage to movies that have featured agricultural themes.

As a nod to “The Grapes of Wrath,” I could be shown battling heartless bankers before buying a bag of seed.

In a scene where my neighbor’s pet plops down on the soft new grass, I could salute “Babe” by saying to the feline, “That’ll do, cat. That’ll do.”

And maybe it wouldn’t actually be stealing from “Charlotte’s Web” to have a scene in which a spider spins a message that says “Some Lawn.”

Riffing on “Places in the Heart” could be a stretch. But my wife could play the Sally Field role and I could play Danny Glover’s. Or maybe I could be the blind guy.

The script would need to have a tip of the cap to “Shane.” How about having some cattleman’s thugs ride their horses right up on my freshly scattered grass seeds? Then, later, I could gun them down in a shootout at a saloon or perhaps Rosauers.

Might be nice to allude to “Witness” by featuring a barn-raising or a revenge scene where some lunkhead smears ice cream on a grass-grower’s nose and soon regrets it.

The movie treatment could echo “Sgt. York” by showing me valiantly holding down a full-time job while simultaneously growing grass.

And, of course, I’ll want to refer to “Field of Dreams.”

When a bewildered wiffle ball player from the past magically appears on my beautiful new grass and asks if this is heaven, I’ll know what to say.

“No. It’s Spokane.”

Today’s Slice question: We hear a lot about swimsuits and self-image. But is your attitude about summer more inextricably linked to the whole matter of wearing shorts?

Write The Slice at P.O. Box 2160, Spokane, WA 99210; call (509) 459-5470; email pault@spokesman.com. Is your reaction to the slap-slap-slap of flip-flops tied to your feelings about the wearer?

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