Prosecutor In Need Of Dictionary

At one point in the Patricia Gallagher trial, Boundary County Prosecutor Randy Day cornered witness Lenore Walker, the battered-women’s syndrome expert from Denver. Under crossexamination, he wrenched from her the admission that, yes, she was a FEMINIST. (Egads!) Then, he pressed on. “Isn’t it true,” intoned Day, “that you believe malebattering of women perpetuates a patriotic society?” The defense witness was baffled. So, Randy dramatically handed Ms. Walker a copy of her book, “Terrifying Love,” and demanded she read her own words. After a pause, she responded: “Mr. Day, the word is patriarchal.” Your witness.

IT’S IN THE GENES:

What is it about people from New Jersey? I told you (Huckleberries, July 25) about the couple who asked their fishing guide, “At what elevation do the deer turn into elk?” Well, Bloodhound M was munching the orange-tinged yellow cherries from trees at the Sacred Heart Mission in Cataldo when a family from New Jersey pulled up. First, the two young brothers approached her and asked, “Are those grapes?” Later, their sisters eyed the cherry trees and asked, “Are those grapes?” (In case any of you out there are from New Jersey and don’t understand the punchline here, grapes grow on vines. … By the way, deer become elk at 5,000 feet.)

IT’S IN THE GENES II:

There must be something in the water Idaho Republicans are drinking, too. Remember Michael Reynoldson (Huckleberries, July 10)? He’s the GOP director who shed his three-piece suit for a weekend concert in San Francisco with the Grateful Dead. Now, I present the GOP’s top fund-raiser Al Henderson, who was spotted by Idaho Statesman columnist Dan Popkey eyeing the drag queens at Boise’s gay/lesbo bash, Coronation ‘94. A stammering Henderson explained his presence thusly: “I just had to come see it. Some of those guys are gorgeous.”

EXTRA! EXTRA!

This just in from D.J. Nall’s latest edition of Hauser Thoughts: A bird - a very big one at that - scored a bull’s-eye while Hauser’s Jeff Teeter was barbecuing turkey and ribs on the Fourth. Jeff cried, “foul,” and worse after the flying bird dropped its payload dead center on his bald head and shirt. Maybe it recognized a distant relative on the grill. Of course, D.J. couldn’t resist the headline: “It’s a good thing elephants can’t fly.” … Here’s CdA’s version of Godzilla versus King Kong: Attorney Sam Eismann is suing real estate agent Jack Beebe. Seems snow slid off a Beebe building in January 1993 and caused $500 damage to Sam’s car. Sammy must be glad elephants don’t fly, too.

HUCKLEBERRIES:

Bet you’d never guess, but my favorite movie line this year was uttered by Val Kilmer’s character Doc Holliday in “Tombstone”: “Ah’m your huckleberry.” … Speaking of huckleberries, Art Manley, Bob Eachon and their Over The Hill Gang have agreed to take me on one of their berrypicking excursions - as long as I agree to be blindfolded and ride in the trunk. … A vanity plate spotted on a Lexus with all the options: “HUGEPMT.” … Attention Albertson’s shoppers: Starting Thursday, the store won’t accept coupons from other supermarkets. Apparently, smart shoppers slow up the non-express lines. (And the new policy may drive away those smart shoppers.) … It’s no mystery where Coeur d’Alene school trustee Eli Ross stands on the newfangled teaching concepts. He showed up for a meeting last week wearing a huge button with a circle-and-slash symbol over the letters “OBE.” … Things I wonder about: Why has the tap water in the Borah area all of a sudden turned cloudy? … Things I wonder about II: How many avid Huckleberries readers have mooned someone once upon a time? … Yes, Mary, there really is a “Pissing Wall” in Mullan, Idaho.

PARTING SHOT:

I once laughed at Northwesterners who panted when temperatures nudged toward 90. In fact, the day I landed in Kalispell, Mont., from sunny California June 30, 1977 - I was amused by a sweltering Montanan who looked longingly at the towering Rockies east of town and said: “On days like these, I wish I were in the mountains.” I’m no longer laughing. Take this heat please.

Gotta Huckleberry? Call the Huckleberry Hound Hotline, 1-800-344-6718, or local, 765-7125.