Pogs, A Perfect Game For Today’s Schools

As if we needed further proof that the American education system is not worth a cup of warm soup, an elementary school principal in Albany, N.Y., has outlawed pogs.

In case you are one of those selfish, self-centered people who pretends to have something better to do than follow the latest fads of 9-year-old boys, pogs are astonishingly overpriced half-dollar-sized cardboard disks used in a game similar to tiddlywinks, only meaner.

Two players stack up their pogs, each of which is imprinted with an image of a comic-book action figure, cartoon character, weird design or whatever. A player then takes a heavier plastic disk, called a “slammer,” and hurls it at the stack of pogs. Whatever pogs flip over are kept by the thrower. In the parlance of juvenile Jimmy the Greeks, this is known as “keepsies.”

If a player is “inexperienced,” (i.e. a “sucker”), he might lose a $20 stack of pogs in less time than it takes you to floss your teeth.

This led to some, shall we say, “disagreements” at schools across the country, including Glenmont Elementary, where principal Don Robillard has banned pogs altogether.

“Kids were complaining about losing fairly expensive pogs,” Robillard told the Albany Times Union. “There were disturbances in the lunchroom, some instances on the bus, and I couldn’t justify them as having any educational value.”

Now, to say that playing pogs has no educational value … well, that seems a trifle disingenuous, particularly when you consider what’s passed off as education these days.

For one thing, pogs enhance students’ math skills. Here’s a sample problem:

Justin and Michael each start with a stack of pogs worth $10. Five minutes later, Justin has won all of Michael’s pogs, including Michael’s limited-edition Spiderman holograph. If Michael hurls a 32-gram slammer at Justin’s head at a speed of 72 kilometers per hour, what will the subsequent emergency room visit, lawyer’s fees and civil damages cost Michael’s parents?

Pogs also sharpen kids’ verbal skills. In the old days, children’s conversations sounded much like this:

Boy No. 1: “Hey, Jimmy. Whatcha doin’?”

Boy No. 2: “Nothin’ much, Bobby. Whatcha doin’?”

Boy No. 1: “Wanna play a game of marbles?”

Boy No. 2: “Sure, why not.”

Pretty lame, huh?

Compare it to a typical kids’ conversation in today’s pogs-enhanced society:

Boy No. 1: “Hey, Beavis. Whatcha like … uh … doin’?”

Boy No. 2: “Uh … Could you repeat the question?”

OK, so maybe it’ll take more than pogs to improve students’ verbal skills.

The point is that pogs can teach some important lessons in life, not the least of which is that you shouldn’t play unless you are prepared to lose.

From a parent’s point of view, pogs are a lot cheaper than video games and take up less space than a baseball-card collection. Furthermore, they don’t bite, howl, shed, scratch, smell, escape from their cages or have babies.

Pogs: The perfect pet.