Maybe It’s Time For Santa To Downsize

The Spokesman-Review Business at the North Pole seems robust again this year.

As Santa Inc. fills orders for overnight delivery on Dec. 24, the rest of the business world is struggling with budgets, profit margins and strategic planning for next year.

Could modern finance officers learn from the successful business being run up north?

Thanks to a recent e-mail message sent to me by Group Health Northwest President and CEO Henry Berman, I learned someone in cyberspace has taken a look at Santa Inc. through a bottom-line-is-everything lens.

With due respect to the unknown author of this cyber satire, I have drafted a memo to Santa Inc. based on it:

TO: Santa Inc.

FROM: Modern Business Associates

Thank you for this opportunity to review Santa Inc.

As you know, MBA has provided consulting services to numerous Fortune 500 toy companies, delivery firms and mail-order houses. We must acknowledge that your business stands out as unique.

The paternalistic, informal work atmosphere we found at the North Pole, supported by quaint notions of keeping workers happy and offering them lifetime employment, isn’t seen much in business these days.

While you seem to have met your customer needs for a long time, we think the technologically driven world of the 21st century will require massive changes in Santa Inc. if you hope to stay competitive.

Here are our recommendations on how to make Santa Inc. a leaner, meaner, operation.

1) Forget the people, look at the bottom line.

Frankly, the business model of a single, beloved owner-operator overseeing the work of loyal elves simply isn’t the modern way.

We could find no job descriptions for the elves, other than your rather mushy directive, “Make kids happy at Christmas.”

What does the company mean by happy? How do you measure this?

2) Does the word “downsize” jingle your bells?

Santa Inc. is burdened by an aged work force.

An early retirement option for Donner, Blitzen and other aged reindeer is recommended.

There are far more efficient vehicles for transportation than a reindeer-powered sleigh, including privatized overnight air delivery services at most major airports.

(Note: We have particular concerns over Rudolph’s red nose. An Employee Assistance Program coupled with intensive counseling likely could eliminate the codependency and abuse of cookies and milk we observed at Santa Inc.)

3) Re-engineer of your corporate culture.

You people have been doing business in the same, tradition-bound way for decades!

Modern technology and business practices suggest you quickly need to:

Shift to computerized, mail-in order forms. Trying to decipher hand-written notes from children simply must come to an end. Scannable order forms should be mailed to children in mid-July and returned by Sept. 1. Those who don’t return their orders on time may be given rainchecks that will be left in their stockings with a promise of latespring delivery.

Establish central distribution centers. The entire notion of home delivery needs to be rethought. Large warehouses of product should be established where customers may pick up merchandise as long as they have a membership card.

Develop a new corporate look. Red suits do not establish the professional atmosphere needed for such an international organization. Gray suits accented with green and red ties would be more appealing to Wall Street. And, don’t forget beards must be neat and trimmed.

Ban Ho! Ho! Ho! Santa Inc. seems fixated on a single phrase to communicate with customers. We are referring to the ubiquitous Ho! Ho! Ho!

Perhaps because of the relative isolation of the corporate headquarters, Santa Inc. is not aware this colloquial verbiage could be misinterpreted in some areas as a reference to prostitution.

We suggest a variety of other simple messages be developed, including Yo! Yo! Yo! for Canadian use and Y’all! Y’all! Y’all! for the American South.

Summary: Past successes at Santa Inc. do not necessarily suggest future survival.

Santa Inc. is heavily dependent on good cheer, open access to rooftops, and leisure time.

Our environmental assessment of the future suggests companies relying on good will toward men will be at risk.

Increased concerns over home security also will make it more difficult to access customers through chimneys.

And, since the work force will have less time to spend with family on Christmas because of the need for more part-time jobs and increased productivity, we must recommend Santa Inc. begin moving away from its current business.

We think the future of this niche market will be built on an allelectronic shop-by-mail model accessible day and night through ATM machines.

Until then, Merry Christmas,

Signed,

Modern Business Associates

, DataTimes MEMO: Chris Peck is the Editor of The Spokesman-Review. His column appears each Sundy on Perspective.