Cheap Seats

Can Candy Maldonado be far behind?

Reggie Jackson had a candy bar named for him. Now, so does Cleveland Indians outfielder Albert Belle.

Malley’s Chocolates will market the candy bars for $1 each in northeast Ohio. Explains company president Bill Malley: “We decided that since Albert crunches the ball so often, we would make it a chocolate crunch bar.”

Sources say a Seattle company was close to marketing a Sonics Bar, but FDA officials nixed the deal when the confection was determined to induce choking.

You say to-MAH-to, we say tomato can

Mike Tyson’s first opponent since his prison release will be Boston’s Peter McNeeley, who rocketed into the world rankings shortly after Don King decided the Beantown brawler would provide perfect fodder.

The August 19 bout won’t be the first pitting a McNeeley against one of the world’s ranking heavyweights. McNeeley’s father, Tom, took on Floyd Patterson in 1961. “McNeeley is the worst challenger Patterson has ever faced, and some of them have been pretty sorry specimens,” Ring magazine proclaimed at the time. Eight knockdowns later, The Ring was proved right.

Now it’s Pete’s turn. As Kevin B. Blackistone of the Dallas Morning News points out: “No one, of course, expected King to put his rusty flesh-and-blood ATM machine into the ring with some fellow who might have a clue as to the right buttons to push.”

Cover-up boy

The only time a member of the Seattle Seahawks has made the cover of Sports Illustrated? This month, when the mag ran a virtual police lineup of Bobby Cox, Gary Moeller and Hawks coach Dennis Erickson.

And the kids haven’t asked for Tang since

Body-building guru Joe Weider is running ads in his own magazine, Muscle and Fitness, for his latest supplement, dubbed Ultimate Orange. According to the Amateur Athletic Foundation, Ultimate Orange was created by Dan Duchaine, who did time for steroid trafficking and is the author of an underground steroid handbook.

The ads say the product contains no illegal compounds, but questions persist - questions serious enough for the AAF to dub Weider’s muscle mix “Agent Orange.”

Ultimate Orange ads proclaim: “Not for every Pencil-Necked Ding Dong in your gym. NOT for use in drug-tested competitions, like any Olympic sport, NCAA finals, etc. NOT for use by anyone with a heart condition, diabetes, pregnant, or taking any medications. NOT for sale to, or use by, minors.”

Devil’s advocate vs. chosen Suns

David Casstevens of The Arizona Republic reports that the 1994-95 Phoenix Suns weren’t the close-knit family they used to be. Example: Before Game 7 against Houston, Kevin Johnson and several teammates held a chapel service. Charles Barkley, who didn’t attend, stood in front of the message board in the empty clubhouse and wrote, “God only helps those who help themselves. WE have to do it!” He angrily threw the felt marker to the floor.

The last word …

“Dr. Kevorkian, please report to the Penske garage.”

- Gasoline Alley public address announcer, when it became apparent Roger Penske wouldn’t qualify a car for Indy 500