Sea Monkeys Exposed!

You’ve seen ads for them in the backs of faded Superman comic books. You’ve seen them in finer drug stores across the country. Heck, they’ve even been on TV!

If you haven’t guessed by now, the subjects in question are those beloved icons of Americana: Sea Monkeys. These cute, spork-like little buggers have been adored by Americans for generations.

Word from the historical front has it that Ben Franklin wanted Sea Monkeys as our national mascot until George Washington, who really wasn’t much fun at parties, talked him out of it.

This all makes the truth even more shocking. If you’re reading this standing up, you may want to take a seat. After extensive research, I have been forced to conclude that Sea Monkeys are not real. That’s not a misprint. Sea Monkeys are fake.

Before you throw down this section in disgust or dismiss me as crazy, read the story of my discovery and you, too, will be convinced.

It began a few weeks ago, on a Saturday. As usual, I was hanging out at Pay Less Drug Store when a colorful package caught my eye. The box, adorned with pictures of strange-looking little beings cavorting and playing happily in a fish bowl, said, “Grow your own! Can be trained! Wonderful Pets!” And here’s the clincher: “As Seen on TV!”

Obviously, this was an offer I could not pass up. I paid for the Monkeys and dashed home thinking about what wonderful fun I could have with my newly made friends. As I was pouring the water into the Sea Monkey mix, I envisioned training them to do wonderful tricks, the likes of which the world has never seen. I was almost like a god, about to create my new subjects.

Instead what I got was what looked like a dried, green booger floating around in scummy water. This is not what I’d seen on TV. I was crestfallen. My first experience as a god, and I was a failure.

The booger looked so pathetic, I decided to put it out of its misery by pouring all the Sea Monkey food in the water at once.

Perhaps you’re thinking this was an isolated incident, or that I made a mistake. I can assure you, it is not. I went out and bought a whole case of Sea Monkeys and all of them turned out boogers.

Now you’re thinking, “How can a company get away with this? Let’s sue!” This, sadly, is out of the question. Upon closer examination of the box, I discovered the fateful words, “Illustration is fanciful.”

Now the real question is how can Sea Monkeys have existed for so long without being globally exposed? Ted Koppel should be on Nightline saying, “Extensive scientific research has proved that Sea Monkeys are, in fact, boogers.”

But perhaps more importantly, how can a company selling nothing more than boogers-in-a-bag stay in business?

Obviously, this all points to some kind of Sea Monkey conspiracy. My sources in Washington say the government is paying the Sea Monkey company to breed real Sea Monkeys and train them as a covert strike force, while selling boogers to the public as a front business.

These guerrilla Monkeys have been traced to the Kennedy assassination, the disappearance of Jimmy Hoffa and, of course, Elvis’ death. So what can we do about this menace? Fight! That’s … oh, wait a minute, I have to go. Three spork-like strangers with bazookas are knocking on my door.