Buccaneers Feelin’ Groovy, But Run Will Come To End

In an increasingly apocalyptic, implausible America, the following post-1960 facts are all true and nothing but true:

“The Beverly Hillbillies” was the No. 1 show in prime-time two consecutive years.

Tampa Bay is 4-2.

We put a man on the moon.

Tampa Bay is in first place in the NFC Central.

Michael Bolton has won multiple Grammys.

Tampa Bay is on a three-game winning streak.

Sonny Bono was elected as a U.S. congressman.

Tampa Bay, dating back to 1994, has won eight of its last 11 games.

O.J. Simpson is not guilty of double murder.

Tampa Bay’s always innovative Sam Wyche (84-102) still reached 100 defeats faster than any NFL coach.

What is the deal with these Buccaneers?

Forget Cowboys-49ers Nov. 12; when Tampa Bay plays Jacksonville Nov. 19, it could be a Super Bowl XXX preview.

The Man hasn’t been this surprised since M&M’s went blue.

The Buccaneers are playing good defense, looking smart and opportunistic and - dare I say it - being well-coached.

But here are three reasons Tampa Bay will come back to its swampy spot on this Earth: 1) In 1990, the Buccaneers also started 4-2 before finding their usual resting place in last; 2) The quarterback controversy in town is between Trent Dilfer and Casey Weldon, sort of like choosing between a twitch and an itch; 3) the Wyche factor.

Incidentally, Wyche - who is a graceless winner and a graceless loser - told reporters after beating Cincinnati: “As you write your ugly headlines, just don’t misprint it. That’s 4-dash-2.”

Note to Editors: If possible, make the headline on this column read, “Tampa Bay Still Headed for 6-Dash-10.”

Tampa Bay is a two-point underdog at home today against Minnesota; I’ll fervently take the Vikings.

As usual, the following point-spread picks should not be used as the basis for any actual cash wager:

Raiders (-3) at Broncos

These new-look Raiders have the AFC’s best record (5-1), the conference’s second-rated passer (Jeff Hostetler) and second-best rusher (Harvey Williams) and a Bill Walsh knockoff (Mike White) as their resident genius coach. Plus, they have the league’s highest-scoring offense, a sack-happy defense and have won their past three games by 31, 37 and 20 points. I happen to like Denver. Pick: Broncos.

49ers (-10) at Colts

Twice this season, Indianapolis has won games in which it hopelessly trailed, 24-3. There is no precise historical precedent for this, unless you consider Sean Penn’s ability to talk his way back into Madonna’s life after breakups in 1983 and 1985. Pick: Colts.

Cowboys (-7-1/2) at Chargers

In his latest bold move, Cowboys owner Jerry Jones signed exclusive deals with those two guys from the McDonald’s commercials. … Deion Sanders booked ticket to D.C. next Monday, thinking it was the Million-Dollar Man March. Pick: Chargers.

Lions at Packers (-4)

In last two games - against San Francisco and Cleveland - Detroit QB Scott Mitchell is 52 of 80 for 564 yards and three touchdowns. If he keeps this up, he could be the next Scott Mitchell. Pick: Lions.

Patriots at Chiefs (-7)

Ever since chance meeting on street with Dave Krieg two weeks ago, Patriots QBs Drew Bledsoe and Scott Zolak have fumbled six times… . As for Bledsoe, nobody’s made this many passes without scoring since George Costanza. Pick: Chiefs.

Bears (-7-1/2) at Jaguars

After Jaguars beat Steelers, Gator Bowl public address system played Queen’s “We Are The Champions.” I guess someone had misplaced Thin Lizzy’s “The Boys Are Back In Town.” Pick: Jaguars.

Seahawks at Bills (-8)

With Seattle struggling at 2-3, coach Dennis Erickson reluctantly eliminated popular “happy hour” feature from team’s Tuesday and Wednesday practice sessions. Pick: Seahawks.

Jets (-1-1/2) at Panthers

Jets CB Aaron Glenn, burned for touchdown on Jim Kelly pump fake last week, fell for the old “hey-what’s-that-on-your-tie” gag this week. Pick: Jets.

Eagles at Giants (-3)

Eagles’ punt-coverage team visually reminiscent of skysurfing at the Extreme Games. Pick: Eagles.

Redskins at Cardinals (-3)

Andy Rooney has offered $1 million to anyone who can “identify the origin of Buddy Ryan’s offense.” Pick: Redskins.

Dolphins (-7) at Saints

One team’s 4-1, the other’s 0-5. What, you need a compass to figure this one out? Pick: Dolphins.

Last week: 4-7-2*. Season record: 37-39-7.

* - The Man usually likes to “super-size it,” but with only one winning week all season, he’s looking at Hamburger Helper.