How-To Shows The Gadget Gurus Are Everywhere Telling Us To Weed, Paint, Install And Decorate

Could Bob Vila be an alien?

From 1979 to 1989, as host of the PBS series “This Old House,” Vila stealthily snooped around building sites. He spied on construction workers. He somehow made conversations with bricklayers compelling, and he made carpenter Norm Abram seem fascinating. Under his guidance, the construction of a house became a soap opera.

Saturday-afternoon television has never been the same. Vila’s success spawned hours’ worth of like-minded eager-beaver shows. The phenomenon even moved to prime time: the sitcom “Home Improvement.”

How-to shows have spread across TV like the pod-people in “Return of the Body Snatchers.” They’re on Arts & Entertainment. The Discovery Channel. The Nashville Network. Last fall, even the TV Food Network offered a homey show, “Hospitality,” hosted by superperky cookie queen Mrs. (Debbi) Fields. It wasn’t renewed, but the fact remains: Everywhere you turn, there’s some overachieving little gadget guru reminding you that you have to do something about updating your abode.

In fact, the fixer-uppers have landed their own 24-hour cable channel, just like the food network. Called HGTV, it was launched a year ago by media conglomerate Scripps Howard. Based in Knoxville, Tenn., HGTV is seen in 10 million homes in cities such as Portland, Detroit, Cleveland, Baltimore and Cincinnati, says founder Ken Lowe. And the hearth-and-home cult is still growing.

“You’re seeing more young people from 18 to 49 years old getting into gardening than ever before,” he says. “And women - they’re a hot, hot trend. Black & Decker has a whole new power tool line that’s in decorator colors. Women represent a big segment of growth.”

Paint it pink and trim it in lace - it’s still a power tool.

Let’s face it. We lazy, domestic nerds can no longer escape the well-meaning fixer-uppers who just want to help us demolish our weeds, consider the benefits of vinyl windows, install strips of weatherproofing and devise really cool, decorative ways to recycle milk cartons.

The following list is a sampling of the how-to explosion on the small screen. It does not include every home-related show on television (almost two dozen, counting sewing and painting shows).

Each show is described and rated as follows:

Theme: What’s the show about - in 10 words or less? A show synopsis follows.

Can do: Is what they’re showing something you can do? Would you want to?

Fun: Even if the subject matter’s dull, do you stay tuned?

Guilt trip: Does watching make you feel like a wad of unmotivated sludge?

“Bob Vila’s Home Again” (Sundays, 9:30 a.m. KXLY, unless pre-empted)

Theme: Ol’ bushy-beard hits the big time.

The home-show pioneer now has a little money to burn. One Sunday, in search of inspiration, he visited a restaurant kitchen where he compared a “prep kitchen” and a “line kitchen” pot by pot. Hmmmm. Somewhere in the half-hour, he oversaw the installation of spa-style stained-glass windows. All in a day’s work.

Can do: With the right travel budget, absolutely.

Fun: Oh sure, we love seeing other people jet around.

Guilt trip: Why didn’t you sign up for the frequent-flier program?

“Furniture to go”

(Weekdays, 11:30 and 2 p.m.; 9:30 a.m. Saturdays, The Learning Channel)

Theme: Home with Abbott & Costello.

Somewhere between the Charles Dickens references, Cher jokes and Sammy Davis Jr. impressions, regular-guy co-hosts Joe L’Erario and Ed Feldman resanded a headboard nicely. L’Erario was the straight man, Feldman the funny-guy partner. After laying down a strip of adhesive, Feldman announced he “graduated from the Academy of Tape.” The focus is on around-the-house projects that are highly doable. “Oh, the horror that is this show,” he lamented. Who needs Tim Allen?

Can do: Yes, though not with as many one-liners.

Fun: A blast.

Guilt trip: Only from laughing too hard.

“Handmade by Design”

(Weekdays, 1 p.m.; weekdays and 11:30 a.m. Saturdays, Lifetime)

Theme: Ladies keeping busy.

Attractive, impersonal host Laura Taylor had an alarmingly animated reaction to every interview she conducted. Her subjects were primarily women with gadgets to sell or cookbooks they published themselves. In one excruciating segment, Taylor learned to dry fruit and flowers with a chemical spray kit.

Can do: If you don’t mind buying every product touted.

Fun: Like a toothache.

Guilt trip: Shouldn’t you be starting your own business?

“Hometime”

(Saturdays, 4:30 p.m., KSPS, unless pre-empted)

Theme: Yuppie coed rendition of “This Old House.”

There are two versions of this show that drags the viewer through various construction sites: one from the early ‘90s, the other more recent. Lucky us - both include Dean Johnson, a bland Everyguy who rarely breaks a sweat unless it’s scripted for him to do so. He has two interchangeable blond gal co-hosts: Robin Hartl, a wandering spirit who forgets she’s on television; and Joanne Liebeler, Ms. “Type A.” Take your pick.

Can do: You can sit and watch. That’s it.

Fun: Could be if they didn’t try so darn hard.

Guilt trip: Like you’d even want to try this stuff in the first place.

“Martha Stewart Living”

(Sundays, 8:30 a.m., KXLY; Monday-Saturday, noon, Lifetime)

Theme: Connecticut blue blood gets her hands dirty - sort of.

In about five minutes, Stewart completely recovered a seat, using megatools like a hot-glue gun and an industrial-grade stapler. In another quick segment, she showed the proper way to store a paint roller: Wrap it in plastic, seal it in a zippered plastic bag and place it in the freezer. Alrighty then. Later in the show, she made a field trip to City Bakery in New York, where a chef showed her a trio of impossibly difficult tarts.

Can do: Despite the highfalutin tone, many tasks actually seemed within reach.

Fun: Too perfect to be much fun.

Guilt trip: Probably, but the whole show looks so soft and hazy, you hardly notice.

“New Yankee Workshop”

(Saturdays, 5 p.m., KSPS, unless pre-empted)

Theme: Me and my tools.

Hosted by Norm Abram, that bearded, sensitive guy. Love his New England accent but his obsession with tools is the stuff of Tim Allen’s dreams. “I’m going to use my 1/4-inch round overbit, and then my champing bit in my router. … I use my miter box to cut 30-degree angles, and my radial arm to cut the 60-degree angle.” Great for useless information - by the end of the show, you’ll know what a “biscuit slot” is.

Can do: Only if you own the entire Craftsman collection.

Fun: If you’re, like, really into wood.

Guilt trip: How many trees are cut down for each show?

“Our Home”

(Weekdays, 10 a.m.; Monday-Saturday, 12:30 p.m., Lifetime)

Theme: “Regis & Kathie Lee” with hammers.

Hosted by a twosome that make Barbie and Ken seem deep, they roamed from one interview segment to the next, tackling tasks no more difficult than hanging pictures. “Trust your judgment,” said one of their sagacious experts. The show also included an eerie segment with hint-happy Heloise.

Can do: No-brainer.

Fun: As a lobotomy.

Guilt trip: Why haven’t you changed the channel?