Cheap Seats

When in doubt, pun

Warner Fuselle, the voice on most major league baseball highlight shows, does radio play-by-play for Seton Hall basketball and has a habit of playing on players’ names. For instance, whenever junior forward Jacky Kaba - pronounced “Kah- BAH” hits nothing but net, Fuselle yells, “That’s swish Kaba!”

A perfect world

Actor Kevin Costner may have set a one-day tournament record for most female spectators at the AT&T Pro Am.

“He is definitely wearing briefs,” said one knowledgeable observer.

But can he play? The answer, according to C.W. Nevius of the San Francisco Chronicle, is a qualified yes. In order to play golfer Roy McAvoy in the upcoming movie “Tin Cup,” it is said Costner’s game was essentially created out of thin air under the direction of CBS golf commentator Gary McCord the last few months.

As the story goes, Costner’s original swing made the casting department think: stunt double. McCord said he actually found a golfer named Pat Bates who resembled Costner enough to do the job. But, McCord said, that was before “Kevin informed me that he was not going to use a double.” So McCord went back to the basics, beginning with how Costner’s grip. “If he had a grip that looked like two crabs trying to mate,” McCord said, “it would not be the best.”

Said Costner, “I was trained to look good. Now I’d like to start scoring better.”

Uh-huh. On the first day of the pro-am, Costner and his pro, former U.S. Open champion Lee Janzen, shot 65. With Janzen shooting a 70, that means Costner and his 16 handicap helped the team a tidy five shots.

Better change “Tin Cup” to “Sand Bag.”

Shut up and hit

At the recent news conference introducing him to the Philadelphia media, free-agent signee Todd Zeile remarked on how excited he was to be hitting in the middle of the most potent heart of the order of his career. Then it was pointed out that the Phillies’ potential Gregg Jefferies-Zeile-Mark Whiten alignment in the 3-4-5 spots was the same fielded by St. Louis two seasons ago.

True grits

A carton containing 24 boxes of grits sits in the office of Jim Donnan, the new Georgia football coach who identified himself as a southerner who loves grits when he accepted the job last month.

“It was a great surprise,” Donnan said. “I’ve never had a full case before.”The case of Jim Dandy Grits was sent to him by Martha White Foods.

“Our ears perked up when we heard you share with the country your affection for grits,” the letter said. “We all know grits are a southern staple right alongside college football.”

Said Donnan, “My biggest problem now is that living in a hotel I have no place to cook. But I’ve got them in secure storage.”

Oh, yeah, you’ve got to keep those grits under lock and key or else someone’ll use ‘em for traction sand.

The last word …

“It doesn’t bother me at all. You’ve got a better chance of Ed McMahon knocking on your door than you have of catching AIDS in a basketball game.” Nets forward Jayson Williams, who’s lost two sisters to AIDS, on Magic Johnson’s return

, DataTimes ILLUSTRATION: Photo