Cheap Seats
The ultimate triple-threat
In case you missed it, the Duluth-Superior Dukes of the Northern League just signed designated hitter Pete Kuld to a one-year contract as a player, coach and an off-season salesperson.
We can just imagine the conversation with the general manager next fall: “Sorry, Pete, we’re putting you on waivers. Your batting average is up, but your billings are down.”
Headlines We Wish We’d Written Dept.
In the Star Tribune of Minneapolis on a story about Minnesota’s 19-year-old high-school-to-the-NBA rookie, Kevin Garnett: “The Kid is Being Raised by Wolves.”
From the home office …
David Letterman’s eavesdroppers were in San Antonio to come with the “Top 10 Things Overheard at the NBA All-Star Game:”
10. “It’s time to start - Dennis Rodman’s hair just turned green.”
9. “Ladies and Gentlemen - that last groin pull was brought to you by Nike!”
8. “Will the squeegee guy please report to Charles Barkley’s head?”
7. “Shaquille, Hakeem. Hakeem, Shaquille.”
6. “According to Mrs. Jordan, he always beats the 24-second clock.”
5. “Daddy, how come there are no New Jersey Nets here?”
4. “Hi, I own a Big & Tall men’s store.”
3. “Check it out - they’re mopping up the sweat with Letterman’s hairpiece!”
2. “I’m sorry, Mr. President, the dunking competition has nothing to do with donuts.”
1. “I had sex with Madonna for luck.” “Hey, me too!”
From top 10 lists to top 10 finishes
Speaking of David Letterman, the Late Show host has become a minor partner in Bobby Rahal’s racing team.
Asked to describe the extent of his involvement, Letterman said it would be “varied - but as it stands now, at the end of every race, I check Bobby’s helmet for hair.”
Rahal, the 1986 Indy 500 winner, reorganized his team after ending a partnership with Carl Hogan - who Letterman joked had been caught stealing tools. Rahal also hired Bryan Herta as a backup driver.
“Bobby’s biography indicates that he enjoys barbecuing at home,” Letterman said. “Bryan - take a look at his bio - also indicates he enjoys barbecuing at home. I’d just like to go on record here tonight as saying, I, too, enjoy barbecuing at home.”
Gnats to you
Savannah’s minor-league baseball team has settled on a new nickname - the Sand Gnats.
Marketing director Nick Brown said the name was picked in voting by the public over Hammerheads, Thrashers, Shadow and Sea Turtles.
“It’s pretty good for us down here,” he said. “With all the humid weather, we’ve got those gnats. Either us or Charleston almost had to grab the nickname.”
The last word …
“It took you guys long enough.”
- Former lightweight champion Joe Brown, 69, when informed he’d been named to the International Boxing Hall of Fame
, DataTimes