Choco-Holic Melts Over Sweet News
A few days ago, in a flagrant display of journalistic and social irresponsibility, the Miami Herald ran a story indicating that it’s OK to indulge one’s craving for chocolate. I immediately thought of how, a few years ago, some deep thinker postulated that alcoholics can learn to drink in moderation.
This claim seemed about as dangerous and senseless as that one. I mean, why didn’t we just advise crackheads to vacation in Colombia? Tell sex addicts to while away the hours reading Playboy and/or Girl?
I am shocked. I mean, really.
I’d have more to say on the subject, but am in the process of stripping naked for a swan dive into a vat of Belgian truffles. Hope ya enjoyed the column, see ya next time! Good night, everybody! …
Ahem. Sorry about that. It seems the boss would really like it if I stick around just a little longer. And since it’s kind of difficult to swan dive with an iron ball chained to one’s ankle, I have agreed. So let’s talk cravings.
It is, now that I think of it, a rather benign word for a ravening “obsession” that has been known to send grown men (namely, this one) out into the cold at midnight, screaming, “My kingdom for a Ho Ho!”
Not to come on like a lounge lizard with a bad toupee, but my wife doesn’t understand me. Salty things are her weakness: fries, chips, nuts, things like that. And even then, she’d never think of walking uphill in a blizzard to alleviate, say, a sudden pretzel shortage. Strange woman.
Me, I’ve noticed I even “breathe” differently when I eat chocolate. My breathing becomes lower, slower, more rhythmic and it sounds like - geez, I can’t believe I’m about to admit this - lovemaking.
The kid digs his chocolate, OK?
So you can imagine what it was like when I saw that front-page teaser saying it was OK to indulge a little. I tore through the paper, rushing past tales of devastation, woe and politics to get to the words “… Give in. Cravings are not intrinsically bad.” Adam Drewnowski, head of the Human Nutrition Program at the University of Michigan, said that. He and his fellow experts also said that some of the stuff in chocolate - theobromine and caffeine - helps boost moods and heighten energy. And all right, they also said some other stuff about “moderation,” but I didn’t read that part too closely.
Aside from giving us a cure for Chris Farley, I only ask one thing of modern science - that it validate my misbehavior. And here it has done just that. Thus, next time my wife says, “Boy, you’re really scarfing up the brownies tonight,” I will be able to regard her with a look of icy disdain and say, “No, I’m just trying to increase my theobromine intake.”
Actually, that article was chocolate frosting on the cake for me. Even before I read it, I’d already decided that you cannot, as they used to say in the ‘60s, fight the feeling. The power, maybe, but not the feeling. I discovered this by living without chocolate for a while, doing the diet thing.
Oh, I lost weight. I gained energy. I hated life.
It occurred to me that as a result of my new regimen I might live another 70 years and despise every last one of them.
So now I’m trying a different tack. I’m going to buy one of those low-impact aerobic workout thingies. Look up the meaning of that word, moderation. Try to strike a balance between quantity and quality. I mean, I want to live forever, right? But forever would be an awful long time without the occasional hit of chocolate.
Speaking of which, my truffles are melting. Can I go now?
xxxx