Cheap Seats
Good thing they weren’t hooked on phonics
1995 was a banner year for one Santa Clara basketball fan. When Jerry Tarkanian and Fresno State visited Santa Clara on Dec. 12, the fan held up a sign reading, “Shark, i Can Play Four Ur Teem.”
The banner didn’t appear to offend Tark’s players, even after a tutor was called in to read it to them.
Traded for an ointment to be named later
In retrospect, Brian Williams is justified when he takes offense at the trade that sent him from Denver to the Los Angeles Clippers for Elmore Spencer and Randy Woods, who were cut last week. “They might as well have said I got traded for a case of Ben-Gay and a dozen water bottles,” Williams complained.
Except for one thing: The Clippers probably would’ve declined that trade.
Shaq knows value of sixth man
How secure is 7-foot-1, 305-pound Orlando Magic star center Shaquille O’Neal?
On a recent visit to play the Los Angeles Clippers in Anaheim, those in the know about security at The Pond had this to report: “There were five bodyguards there to greet the team bus because we heard he is a stickler for personal security.
“The bus arrived, the door opened and one of Shaq’s personal bodyguards gets off and asks about what security we have. He is told we have five security personnel people there waiting.
“Shaq’s guard replies: ‘Shaq don’t get off the bus unless there are at least six.”’
Don’t come into my lab with that weak PC
Chris McGuthrie talks trash Silicon Valley-style. The sharpshooting guard from Mount St. Mary’s e-mails opponents before tipoff. Before taking on Wake Forest, McGuthrie went on the Internet and sent messages to Tim Duncan and Tony Rutland.
“I asked Duncan if he wanted to hang around or anything after the game and if I could be his agent,” McGuthrie said. “I told him I could get him a good deal and I don’t want a big percentage.”
Duncan didn’t answer, but Rutland did. “He said he and Tim had something for us and he didn’t appreciate me talking trash on the computer,” McGuthrie said. “Then he said it was kind of funny.”
McGuthrie scored 36 points against Wake, but said he was too upset by the 75-62 loss to talk to Duncan or Rutland afterward.
A wound that’s scabbed over
The quote of 1995, as far as Sacramento Bee columnist Mark Kreidler goes, came during replacement baseball, when Pirates broadcaster Steve Blass took one look at hurler Jimmy Boudreau, who hadn’t pitched since 1986, and said, “He should have been better, pitching on 3,195 days’ rest.”
Adds Kreidler: “Scab baseball: A transaction in which people paid half price to watch second-rate talent from the third row.”
The last word …
“Northwestern is the last innocent and this is the last fairy tale. The future of college football is what is happening over in Arizona between Nebraska and Florida, thugs on rugs.”
- Chicago Tribune columnist Bernie Lincicome, before Monday’s Rose Bowl
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